My mother has always been a worrier and I’ve always validated her fears.

As the sibling of someone a lot like you, what your brother said to you sounds like something I would say to my brother. He is so wrapped up in his own pain that he rarely sees how much it hurts the people who love him, too, and when he does notice it the primary response it provokes in him is just more guilt, depression, and pain. If I say i am scared for him, he feels bad that he is a terrible brother. If I say that I am not going to worry about him any more, he feels that he is so awful that he has driven his family away. If I tell him I am going to be optimistic for him, he feels that I'm sticking my head in the sand, and refusing to face how bad things really are. I feel like there is literally nothing I could say him him that would provoke any response other than, "Everything is terrible, and you don't understand".

From the perspective of a family member, then, I would just say that your mom doesn't want or need you to feel guilty, or terrible, or like you don't deserve her. Literally nobody needs or wants you to feel like that... except maybe the black gremlin of depression that lives in your brain. The only relationship you feed when you dwell on that stuff, is your relationship with your illness. When you think about your mom, try instead to remember what your relationship means to HER. Your mom is glad you are in her life. She is happy that you are her daughter. No matter how awful you feel, let her have that, ok? Give her permission to see the good things in you even if right now you can't see them in yourself. If, at some point later on, you can see them too, I promise you that it will mean more to her than a million years of self-flagellation.

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