First of all, thank you both for your comments. There's something else that's bothering me extremely, and I'm unsure if it's an N-trait. It's that she's always victimizing herself.

E.g. I recently visited my bf's family with him. I didn't tell her that it was great because I'm too guarded for that already, I just mentioned we went there. I then asked if i could pick up some of my stuff - she offered this to me a ton of times but always went deaf when I asked - and i only asked out of politeness.

She said yes, and then said "thankfully you're sending me a picture from time to time" meaning, we don't see each other often. I asked my FIL what to say and he said, tell her if she wants to see you live, to just say so, i.e. Giving the responsibility back.

I did so, she answered "oh well I guess I can't keep up with that competition".

Is that normal? Not, miss you or want to hang out? It's always excepted that I ask though, and I visit, she never does.

(She does that with everything - like when her marriage broke apart because she cheated, it was his fault because he never took the trash out)

Sorry to bother you again! Thanks so much for your time & patience, I think I'm finally ready to let go. But getting there is so painful.