My Parents are Ruining My Wedding

The best part about being a grown-up after having shitty parent(s) is you now get to decide how shit happens in your life. And I know.. that is super easy to say and unbelievably hard to accomplish, but there are many, many people on this board that are living proof that you can do it and be oh so happy with yourself for doing it!

My advice for your situation is to sit down either with your soon be spouse or by yourself and write down/draw/record yourself saying what you want for your wedding, whatever method works better for you. Not what would make life easier, or what would "make" them behave, nothing like that. Only what you honestly and truly want your wedding to be. And then laminate, save it, do whatever you have to do to keep that list, those boundaries safe and easily accessible for yourself. That list is now your mantra. When you feel guilt or start to falter, read/listen/look at your plan! You now dictate to your parents what you want, no more discussions! They have used up the little goodwill they had to allow talking about shit, it's now time to tell them how it will be and what will happen if they do not comply!

For example, the walking down the aisle issue. You send them both an email, or text, saying something like "I want you two to walk me down the aisle together. It would mean everything to have you both beside me on this day. If you cannot both get over your own bullshit and do this for me, neither of you will walk me down the aisle and I will walk alone. I do not want to hear from either one of you about this topic other than to tell me yes or no. No discussion, no fighting, no name calling. If you message me anything other than yes or no about this, I will block your email/phone number/etc for one week. I will repeat this every time you do it again too. If you both cannot come to an agreement about this one month before the wedding, I will walk alone." Just repeat this for all the wants you mapped out for your wedding that include your parents.

It will be hard for you to follow through, because they've trained you to try and make everything better FOR THEM. Think about that statement really hard, they believe you are responsible FOR THEM. BUT as a grownup, you get to choose now whether or not you accept that role. You'll never get them to accept this or admit it, all you can do is change your behavior to make it clear you will no longer be that person for them. You are not a punching bag or a mediator. You are your own person and you get to decide what you will and wont put up with.

I had to do this too, with one of my parents. It was really, really hard. But it made my life so much better. And even now with that parent dead and buried, I have zero regrets about being firm and clear with my boundaries and putting my own well being before their fucked up, manipulative wants and feelings. You can do it AND be happy with yourself about it!

/r/JUSTNOMIL Thread