I feel similarly. Maybe my standards for what life should be are too high. I don't like being an adult, I don't like dealing with obstacles (most of which are produced by my own head and attempting to tame it is exhausting). I feel as though it is an existential right to come and go as you please, or at least it should be, and I dislike how dogma often discourages this way of thinking. My life isn't bad by any measure either, I just don't want to be me, here and now. The fact that death wounds people is a constant thorn in my side and it goes against my values to let that stop me, but I do anyway.

On the other hand I am afraid of afterlives, but fuck I don't know anything, what I am afraid of is arbitrary. For all I know killing myself could have been a predetermined goal in another life. Everything is so weird and intense, if I have no guarantee that effort and endurance pays off and frees me from this state of being, why would I bother with it in lieu of what seems like a more immediately logical solution?