As I said, if she want's help I'll be there. I actually live 30 min from her. And I did not had this attention before, it's not lost to me. I was counting in the future to do something that would get me love and approval and attention, but I have not experienced it yet. What I can do to be as good as someone who has created a life, save the world? And I don't know what kind of help she would need, I am just terrified of rushing to the hospital, having to work to support them, being there everyday for practical help, I don't know: I am aware it's irrational. And I am glad that she has a good partner and friends and is financially stable because honestly that's the setting to begin with to take on such a responsibility. I just think I have to be the backup, the "parachute in case the plane fails" or something. I don't know why is so exhausting.