My spouse divorced me because I wasn’t ‘a whole person’ (CPTSD) and I keep getting triggered

Whenever I’m spiralling I write a poem about the feelings I’m having, helps me with processing:

A text message, Innocuous “Out with J” My heart drops, Mind spins, I feel every ounce of blood drain from my face My teeth ache, as though their roots have suddenly shriveled and withdrawn. Can teeth fall out from panic?

“How could you do this to me, to us?” The void in my head screams. I must be stupid, ugly, unworthy, Repulsive, unlikeable - unloveable, - monstrous. “This is just like you thought would happen,” it whispers. It’s brilliant really, the tales it spins.

One moment he’s dancing, the next he’s in bed, Sweaty, tangled within another, love pumping through their veins. How could they not resist one another? The void paints such a clear picture.

A rush at the start, a bond built upon their shared secret. “But how could it be bad, when this feels so right?” They whisper, his image of me fading rapidly. Smiles stretch across their handsome faces as they say ‘I love you’. They get engaged, they marry, The ceremony is gorgeous. Most days, they sing together at the piano, just like I wanted. They fall into bed together each night at the same time, content in each others presence. “I love you”, they say, then lights out. Two souls sleeping peacefully. Two lives progressing splendidly, Two, three, four kids later, still unable to see fault in the other. They sing with their kids at the piano, warm and happy. Just like I wanted. With all this at stake, why wouldn’t they do this to me?

I step back from the picture. The void pulls at me, desperately trying to pull me back into this dark, sad embrace. “Why am I like this?” I think. Is it a lack of control over another human being? I’m sure that’s what it is. (A lack of control over myself, too) ‘Will you betray me this time?’ The void whispers at me again. But there is no possibility of betrayal, Not any more. There’s just me, milling about, alone. My treacherous mind constantly wandering.

This silly thing is always getting me in trouble.

/r/CPTSD Thread