Ok so he is garbage but your behavior is also alarming and you need to do something to change that.

I know it's hard but you cannot improve if you don't do anything to help yourself. You need some serious intervention but there is no help for you if you don't seek it out - you probably don't see it but you do deserve to give yourself a chance.

In an ideal world that man would have been in tears begging you to let him find a way to help and protect you, but that isn't reality. It fucking blows that that isn't your reality.

So you need to proclaim your agency, take responsibility for yourself, and find a way to calm and change the raging forces inside you. It's a monumental task. It is not easy. But it's your only other option.