You're not alone. And there's def no judgement. I am a female and like to watch similar porn, but I absolutely in no way want it to happen in real life. If I were to actually get raped or forced to do something I don't want to do then I'm pretty sure I'd try my best to cut off his dick and shoot him. But for some reason it's a turn on for my weird mind to watch it. It sounds like you have an amazing gf and I suggest not pushing her too far! Start with milder crazy things and slowly progress to the craziness. Maybe even start off with some drinks to relax the mind and have her pretend to be passed out drunk and go from there. As far as anal, when/if she ever is willing to try it again, lube lube lube! You didn't mention if you used it, but there are certain ways of making it less painful for her. But don't try that until she is ready. I think sometimes it is hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn't "get it", but on the other hand I think it helps balance us out. Sometimes you will feel wrong or weird for liking what you like, and sometimes bringing it up to the SO is difficult bc of being afraid of judgement and having them look at us in a different way. BUT, ultimately I am glad he isn't as adventurous as I am in that way bc who knows what crazy things I'd be into if he wasn't vanilla.