My stepdaughter treated her mom very similarly. What ended up happening for us: two years of therapy with mixed results. She eventually started acting suicidal, got taken to the ER, and put in an intensive outpatient program and pulled out of school. Failed first semester of high school, but now is on medication that works, therapy that works, and keeping her grades decent. It was a long road.
What we learned: she had been extensively bullied at school and had an intense social media addiction and the resulting self-esteem issues were making her lash out because she had no coping skills. Diagnosed anxiety, depression, and attachment disorder. Lots of previously-undisclosed suspect internet behavior.
I cannot say for sure what is up with your daughter - every situation is different. But therapy (and sticking with therapy) is the best first step. Trust the medical professionals when they give advice - our biggest hurdles have been mom pulling daughter out of therapy, not medicating her, and not following up on agreements made with the therapists. In our household, we acknowledged we were to a point where normal parenting strategies no longer work and to just follow the advice given to a T. Stepdaughter behaves amazing in our house now, continues in the power struggles with her mom.
Other people may try to tell you ‘well this works for my kid’ yeah well but your kid does not assault you, etc. Accept input from the working professionals, but I would advise against taking advice from other parents. There are a million ways to parent a child right, but when severe mental illness is involved parenting strategies have to be much more narrow and specific.
The hardest thing for us...change will not come until your daughter wants it. And she may not want it for a long time. And there may be real-world consequences - flunking, assault charges, can’t find employment. And it is not our job to shield her from those consequences, it is our job just to encourage her to use the skills she’s learned through her program. Ownership over the mental illness and her actions is the big life lesson, and it can be so so so painful but eventually something will click in her head.
hugs