you said above that primarily you wanted to submit and serve, but here you say that since you were just play partners that wasn't what it was about.

Yes. For a romantic partner my primary drive is to submit and serve.

But this wasn't a romantic situation.

I also think that she was really looking for something actually casual

Yeah, she saw a personal ad for a newbie seeking a relationship and was probably all "ooo goodie, he has no idea what he's doing and he's desperate enough to post a personal so I can string him along for aaaagggggeeees."

If she really just wanted some casual "entirely on my time, at my leisure, when I feel like it, when I can squeeze it in, all about my wants and desires" thing she could have just SAID so.

Would have saved me two months.

As far as getting things out of it, you actually did get a couple scenes of things you really wanted, you did get to hear the nice words and the comforts, and you did get a chance to serve.

Well, a single five minute scene of something that I was curious about. The first scene was unplanned and really not much of anything I was actually ever into. So I got a single five minute scene out of the thing.

So to clarify - I got a single five minute scene of something that I was somewhat curious about.

She got some free labor, to fulfill a couple of your fantasies, and to get turned down repeatedly for the things she actually wanted to do.

Well she wouldn't have been turned down repeatedly if she'd listened when I said "Let's hold off, I'll let you know." I mean it wasn't a "NEVER" - I even left some nice soft rope at her apartment as a gesture to say "Here, we can use this rope when we're ready, this will be our rope only, just for us."

If she'd just been less self centered about the entire thing, listened to what I was communicating better, and been more available as like, a human being I could talk to, I would have had no problem doing rope. But vanishing for 3 weeks without a word and then suddenly being pushy..?