This is going to be long. Read it if you want. Going to split into 2 parts because of size. Yeah yeah I snapped I know.
Thank you for that. Now that is how you go about talking to someone to try and help and show that you care even if you are an internet stranger. Throwing insults as you said doesn’t get anyone anywhere, both me and you. Today is my birthday actually, I’ll be honest with you, I turned 19 today. I first joined drug court late mid July. I am the youngest person to be in drug court in the state of Wisconsin. Idk about the rest of the USA. They are kind of using me as a test dummy to see if they can expand the program to younger people and not just adults.
I was placed on probation January 2020 for some stupid shit I did under the influence of benzos and alcohol. I got my first violation less than a week after being placed on it, because I was addicted to heroin at the time. I failed my piss test, and I asked them for help. A day went by and my PO called me and said u have 3 options: 1. You can withdrawal at home and get off it 2. You can go to a place for medically assisted withdraw or 3. Go to jail for 14 days and withdrawl. I said I would like to do it medically assisted, or on my own. Nobody wants to kick that shit in a cell. Blah blah blah she says “okay, come to my office at 1 and let’s discuss your options” ok cool. 1 comes around and I drive there. I walk in and let the secretary know I’m there. I wait in the lobby and my PO comes and gets me. As soon as I walked in the back I was swarmed by roughly 7 people and pinned against the wall and handcuffed, taken through the building, and thrown in a blacked out van and locked inside. The whole time I was asking what’s going on, what’s happening. They wouldn’t say. We start driving and she lets me know that I’ll be going to jail for who knows how long and she’ll discuss my options once I’ve been in there a week. I sat 14 days and kicked a gram a day dope habit coke turkey while in jail. Hell. I got out after the 14 days, and they put me on vivitrol, an opiate blocker. That was my first introduction to adult probation.
A month goes by and I’m still getting fucked up. Smoking spice, eating xanax, smoking, drinking, ketamine. Everything but opiates. It should also be known that I was selling a lot of different shit at this time and in the past for roughly a year.
One night I’m at a friends house drinking and I was on prolly 4-5 Xanax bars. I destroyed like 5 beers and half a bottle of vodka. Big bottle. My friend happily offered his couch but I declined. I drove home fine, but once I got home, I wanted to stay out a lil longer. Whenever I take Xanax and drive, which is incredibly stupid, I feel the need to go fast. Like fast fast. Like 116 mph top speed of my car fast. So I was going down this road, 116, taking a video of the speedometer for Snapchat. I send the video, and look up still going 116, and the road fucking ended. I slammed on the breaks but I was fucking flying and jumped the curb flew down the ditch and smashed into a fence. Totaled the car. I’d I wouldn’t of slammed the breaks, I wouldn’t be typing this rn. I would definitely be dead. I also had 23 grams of mushrooms, a scale, and a wad of money on me. Anyways I smash the car, I sprained my ankle, broke my thumb and a chunk of my head was in the broken windshield. All in all hardly anything for how bad the crash was. It took me a while to crawl out of the car but as soon as I did and I stood up, I was fucking blinded by a spotlight. You already know where the spotlight was from. I get charged with a slew of tickets, owi, reckless driving, unreasonable speed. And also felony possession with intent to distribute psilocybin. I was facing 2 years on me revocation and 1.5 years for the mushrooms. I sat in jail for a couple months and my attorney asked if I wanted to try and apply to drug court and save myself from the prison time. Fuck yeah I wanna get out and go home. So that’s how I got on drug court.
When I was released they told me I would not be going home and to a sober living home, and they put a no contact with my mom. She is all I have in terms of family. No father, no siblings, grandma died from cancer (which strangely ties around the time I first started using and getting in trouble, 2015) grandpa dead from Parkinson’s. So I was on my own. Went from going to high school and living with my mom to being a dropout and learning how to be an adult just like that.
I tried HA meetings, quite a few, but that shit is not for me. I’m not a higher power type of guy. I think if you seriously want to get clean, you can do it without Devine intervention. If it works for you, great, but it’s not my cup of tea. I was living at a sober living house and I was like fuck. I should get some kratom. Just to use to relax every once and a while. And I used it like that. But then it was like 2 times a week, then 3, then daily, then 24/7. Right back at it. Drug court doesn’t test for fentanyl, and I’m already doing kratom, fuck it, I’ll do fentanyl again, just once tho. I’m sure you can guess how that panned out. I was going strong and had everyone thinking I was doing great until I got a press that had fentanyl and morphine in it, which they do test for. I spent a weekend in jail for that. Then they stuck me at this place called the Transformation House. For homeless alcoholics. That place was a shit show. Fell deeper into depression and started on the fentanyl again using kratom and loperamide to fill the gaps. Deeper I went.