My wife [30F] is an awful cook and I'm [31M] wondering how I discourage her from cooking without hurting her feelings.

That sort of phrasing never got through my head. It wasn't until my husband that I met someone who was willing to strip the sugar-coating off and actually tell me what was wrong.

The problem is that my brain (and OP's wife might be the same way) falls apart when I try to get abstract with cooking in any way, and "I like mine a little more X" sounds like a hangup over personal preferences rather than an actual technical flaw.

All my life I'd gotten "Just cook it until it looks done!" or "Toss in a pinch of this!" or "Add just enough liquid to moisten!" which to me might as well have been greek. My ability to judge what "done", "a pinch" or "moistened" was completely atrophied. Someone would say "Oh, just don't cook it quite so long!" so I'd cut five minutes out of my cook time ... when the truth was I was cooking 20 minutes too long and 200 degrees too hot.

And yet I can bake like a fiend. Baking, with its very precise everything, was easy for me.

Husband was able to do things like "This is charred. See this dry spot? That means it's overcooked. Next time, cook it half as long as you did this time and don't turn the oven above 350." or "No matter what the recipe tells you, never ever add 3 tablespoons of salt to anything" or "When it says stir occasionally, make sure you stir thoroughly once a minute". (yes, these were actual incidents. Baked Pork Chops, Chicken in Mushroom Sauce, and Cheesy Potato Soup, respectively.)

When you try for too soft a touch, you sooth the emotion but you take all the useful knowledge out of the comment. OP should never be brutal with his honesty, but if he expects actual edible results he can't blunt it too much. Yes, she's going to be offended, especially at first. It's hard to hear that you suck at something you pride yourself on. But the more OP focuses on not offending her or hurting her feelings, the more unclear his instructions are going to be.

OP has to find a balance between gentle and honest, and unless his wife is a truly delicate snowflake, he can get away with being more honest.

/r/relationships Thread Parent