Hahaha I was raised Catholic, how about this one:

God: To be forgiven for your sins, you must tell all of your sins to another human being and I will give him the ultimate power to judge and decide what you need to do to be "forgiven" by me....despite what I said about all humans being flawed and morally corrupt from infancy.

Me: ....

God: Oh, and if someone punches you in the face, turn your cheek and let them bash your brains out too!

Me: Why?

God: Because I love you!

I once mustered up the courage to tell my small town priest that my mother was neglecting me (I was about 16/17 years old)...not feeding me, abusing me emotionally. I cried and cried immediately after the words came out of my mouth. I was very embarrassed about her and never had any friends over to my house because I didn't want them to be exposed to the psychopath that I was stuck with...plus it was a small town and I knew the gossip would be spread all over within 24 hours. I was already under the telescope for my parent's "controversial" divorce that had garnered so much unwanted attention (I was very shy and gossipy churchgoers would constantly press me about it and make me feel ashamed). My priest was the first person I told, stupidly thinking that he would do something about it.

He told me to "do something nice for your mother, and say 10 Our Fathers for penance".

It was 6 whole years before I gathered enough courage to tell another living soul about how abusive she was. I never even mentioned it to my therapist because I was so afraid that I would continue to be invalidated (at that time I had grouped therapists in with people of "authority" such as "priests").