N parents scarred me so much that now even in college I don't feel like a human being

You will get through this. You are reaching out and that is a first step towards recognizing and getting through, however you can. Hang on. It will not be easy to rebuild yourself up and will take time. There are no shortcuts but every little step can go a long way. And that is how you will have to approach healing, but it can be done. And it's not always a straight climb, but keep climbing out and over time... you will be amazed at how far you have come.

Just as you made this post, keep finding ways to cope/dig out of this. Find healthy outlets. Really keep a list or printout of those "ways to beat depression" sort of articles that suggest things like taking a walk or playing sports, journal your thoughts, calling a friend or even just thinking of something you are grateful for. Note: water/nature, just getting outside can really help to clear the head...even if you still feel bad(some times it's just like that). Go easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up. On a bad day/week/month? maybe nothing will work. But practice getting in that mindset. Long term healing is truly all about adding every little drop to that bucket.

It's great that you are in a new/away environment. I don't have all the advice... I rarely ever post online and am not very articulate when I do... but try to remember that just as you said, you are filled with toxins, so to speak, but that you can be "detoxed" from this. It's not forever if you don't let it be.

The state you are in, all the negativities and toxins, and even any behaviours... that isn't you. You have an amazing capacity for change and transformation. Some will come easier, just letting time pass, and some will take immense work (depending on your situation, etc).

Also, practice getting the in the mindframe of likening your thoughts/mind to your body/health and watch for a "diet" of what you take in, expose yourself to (triggers) or tell yourself (like bad thoughts). Because we should treat our minds just like our bodies in that respect.

None of this will be easy but you already know that. Some of these ideas are just planting seeds. All in all, I wanted to lend you some support.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread