I definitely feel like my mom sometimes sees our relationship in a zero-sum way: if I'm succeeding in ways that she couldn't, it's somehow at her expense.

She was very proud and happy when I graduated university; she had also graduated from college, so we were on equal footing there. I hadn't outcompeted her; we were peers, I wasn't her superior. But when straight out of college I got a job that paid more than hers did, even with 10 years of experience at her firm, that got her mad. She told my dad that I didn't deserve it and ranted and raved about it behind my back. By contrast when I told my mother in law (at the time just my boyfriend's mom) that I had gotten a good job, she was so proud. She loves "Lean In" and very much wants me to become some hot-shot executive, haha.

In the same way, my mom has never complimented my appearance, and frequently derided me as a teen for caring about how I looked. She also never taught me any hygiene/beauty skills, like my friends moms taught them. My dad, of all people, had to teach me how to shave my legs!

I'm certainly no great beauty, but I put effort into my appearance (normal day-to-day stuff like exercise/makeup/hair, but also Accutane, LASIK, etc.) and I am, I think, conventionally attractive. Our family didn't win the genetic lottery, but it's not so bad as to be an unfixable problem. My mom by contrast puts no effort into her appearance, and it really shows. This would be completely fine if she wasn't insecure about it, but she totally is. She hates on her appearance every time she has to go out somewhere, yet she does nothing to remedy her dissatisfaction. Whenever I did things to improve my appearance as a teen, like put on makeup in the morning or go to the park to exercise, she would make fun of me or imply that I was somehow vain and silly, and she was morally superior for being (quite honestly) slobby.