Salaamu Alaikum, sister. Jummah Mubarak.

I wish I had more advice. When it happened to me, the circumstances were a bit different, but regardless it took me a long time to heal from. I know it hurts, but I promise you that one day, it really does get better. Until then, like you said, there will be ups and downs. Be gentle with yourself. Continue to seek refuge in Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala when it gets very hard.

I think you should try speaking to your therapist again, or better yet try seeking a therapist who has experience helping survivors of sexual assault and abuse. See about having appointments more than once per week until you start to heal, since it’s affecting you so deeply.

Also I’m not one to ever suggest not praying for someone, but I would suggest doing what you can to reduce daily remembrances of him. You will still get intrusive thoughts and memories, but if you reduce the amount of time you are consciously choosing to think about/remember him, I think that would be better.

People who haven’t been through it don’t really understand the effect it has on a person, which is part of what makes it so tough to really heal- not always being able to share with people close to you. I just wanted to tell you that I empathize with you, I am hoping for the best for you, sending my love, and making dua for you.