I need help. Girlfriend (24) of 4 years, cheated on me (25,M) for the last year, hid it really well, dumped me and now wont stop hurting me.

I had a similar situation where I could get over the breakup but I kept getting stuck on the malice that she displayed at the end. It wasn't even sadness, but real confusion as I tried to logically map how I went from being the best person ever to anathema. In my head, I just kept wanting to ask "How could you be so heartless?" As a logical or empathetic person, you'll try to look for something that you did to warrant the hostility. Reflection is good, but in this case it's your Achilles heel.

 

Deceitful, manipulative people feed on your sincerity and willingness to see the best in them. You approach conflict as something to resolve, but they'll approach it as an opportunity to win. All this continued hostility (you've got a real harpy on your hands, mine stopped when we split) is her still trying to "win." That subtle difference between resolving conflict and winning conflict is something you don't see when you're in it, but it becomes clear afterwards. It's the gaslighting that allows someone to claim that they was with you, when their actions show they wasn't. For instance, take the distance that you mentioned in your post: in a normal, positive interaction, she says you're being a little clingy, but in a way that takes your feelings into account. In a toxic interaction, it's like a brick wall to gaslight you into stopping the discussion. If you ask a more pointed question, like if there's someone else, the response is more gaslighting ("Why are you so paranoid? Don't be so paranoid.") that is once more meant to stop convo/win rather than reassure/resolve an issue. Manipulators are arguing to win. For them it's "love war, fuck a truce" while you're trying to win a war (which you don't realize that you're in) through ceasefires and mercy.
 

So now you've realized that it's not about any inadequacy on your part. I'll go back to that feeling that confusion about the hostility. There's no explanation for it. You'll probably never get one. That's okay. She rewrote the plot from you being the good guy to the villain. You were looking for what you did wrong/your failing, right? Switch it up and think about the worst thing you ever did in the relationship. Then expand it to cover the most maliciously hostile you've been to anyone ever. Most likely, and from reading your replies, it pales in comparison to the hostility that she's showing you. First takeaway -- you can see that you don't deserve this treatment and that she's an exceptionally malicious person. You don't deserve this -- it has nothing to do with you. She's probably worse to you than you've ever been to your worst enemy. Second takeaway frankly, something's wrong with her. This sounds obvious, but it's not just that about her being wrong at a moment in time -- this is personality flaw at her core. If you look back, there were probably minor pre-cursors to this that were overlooked -- seemingly minor selfishness, poor communication, trust issues I don't know. I think usually sharp action like this isn't a change of character, but the expression of something that they've suppressed and gaslighted you into overlooking. That's probably why abusers can seem to enjoy hurting you -- to them it probably feels good to stop covering up who they are and just be out in the open.

 

I tried the whole spiteful "Living well is the best revenge" thing, but bitterness/spite is a pretty unstable foundation. It means you have to keep them in your life so they can see you winning (facebook/instagram) or worse that the bitterness spills into future interactions with other people. It's best to just ignore it, focus on yourself for your own sake (not with "winning" in mind).
I think spite can be helpful in the short term, to turn the sadness/grief into anger, which in itself isn't healthy, but it lets you stop seeing the other person as a good thing that you're missing in your life. Just make sure that you fade it out.

"Gonna delete that tinder profile, and make one on BeatPort instead" That's a great attitude to have. Stick with that and don't let this knock you off your path.

/r/relationships Thread Parent