You have a couple options available to you. You can 1. Lie to your wife and keep up this facade that she is enough for you and she is the only one you are with. 2. You can give up anything on the side and be completely committed to your wife. Or 3. You can be honest with her and file for divorce. All options are really dependent on what is truly more important to you. Sex is a powerful motivator to step outside of a marriage. Many do it everyday and they keep up a facade until they slip and they are caught. But this causes years of two people being in a marriage with someone who is not right for them. I have been married twice and I will tell you I wasted too much time in the first knowing we were not going to grow old together and we not compatible. My second marriage has derailed the last year to two years. Is sex an issue, of course but I think there is a lot more wrong than I wanted to see at first.

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The bottom line is your physical imcomptability a deal breaker for you and your wife? If so, you have to decide if lying and sneaking around is what you want. Or if you can deal with settling because I am sorry that is what you will be doing if it is important to you. Or if maybe it is time to walk away from the marriage so you and your wife can both find someone better suited to your needs. Only you can make this decision and since she gave you the ultimatum you know exactly where your wife sits on the issue. I wish you the best of luck this is not an easy decision by any means.

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Also, with poly vs monogamous this is something you believe in or you don't. Sometimes things change in your life to go from one to another. But if you are poly you need to be with someone who has those same ideals.