Self hatred can actually be depression, but it can also stem from many other mental illnesses, and personality disorders. Its very typical for those with either of those to reach out to something like marijuana or alcohol to help them feel more complete, whole, and happy. However, its also been shown that marijuana (especially heavily at a young age) can change your brain a bit.

If you feel as if you are less aware, and you did not feel this way before you smoked trees.... then its possible you have already answered yourself.

However, buyer beware on going to clinics for depression and drug addiction. I honestly, as a mom and an ent, will say this. I think it would be best if you went to a doctor for a full checkup. Make sure your blood work is good. There are also many types of illnesses (like diabetes, hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism, high bloodpressure, etc.) that can also trigger some of what you are describing. I would also mention to them how you are feeling emotionally.

If your bloodwork comes up clean and you are physically healthy, ask them for a recommendation for a psychiatrist. Do not run off and check yourself in somewhere. They have a tendency to just drug people up without actually finding out whats going on. I have known way too many kids/young adults come out so much worse than when they went in.

Do you have a good family doctor? Remember, ANYTHING you say to them is confidential and they will not betray you to your parents or the authorities. If you dont have one, Try this tool http://www.healthgrades.com/ I found my doctor here, and i love him!!

Also, your friends and family love you, want you around, and need you. You are always wanted and needed. Go see your doctor, and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (they are really the only ones that will usually prescribe meds to help with this type of "depression").

Not sure if this helps, but I'm here to keep talking it out with you. <3