Thank you very much for replying to me. I appreciate it a lot. Any level of content I felt before I think was some kind of lie. When living in an apartment by myself where I could avoid every meal. Watch the number on the scales drop. But I know I was miserable and self loathing.
I grew up with a mother who always asked what she had done to deserve a daughter like me. And beat me up when she felt the need. I never really did anything wrong. I had allergies and reduced hearing. My father was an alcoholic and suffered ptsd and angst from war in Libanon. He tried to kill himself some times. But with me and my sister in his life, I truly saw him trying to be a father. Truly wanting to be. But he hurt more than he did well and I visited him a lot in hospital and psych ward. I had to be there for him. I know how great he was. He just got the short straw too. Passed from cancer in 2012 when he finally found place in life.
Basically I've grown up feeling like garbage for the world.
I always tried hard. Never think bad of anyone before they flat out prove me otherwise. Be kind. Always give.
I want to go back alone to that apartment. Not have any close feelings like this to someone.
He really managed to get on me. He was one to truly make me feel like I'm worth fighting for myself. And stay be I could be so bold to allow him to be kind to me too. As he said he wanted to prove me I was definitely kind and beautiful and deserve all the good. Couldn't understand why it's gone so wrong before.
Here I am, after first denying this because I didn't want to weigh him down, and I didn't dare to allow myself all this knowing I'd be vulnerable. Knowing I'd want to stay here with him. Where I am today. And now it's just so different. Let me be alone and not feel this towards someone else.
I don't know if anything I say now makes sense. My head and emotions are abit more stirr at the moment and it just rains out.
I'm so insecure now it pains me when he talks so much to this woman online living in Canada, and seeming so focused on the chat too. Seen her send hearts to him hit he isn't really hiding anything and he's always been one to say the truth.
I really have no idea what to think. All I want now is run away. Dissappear.
Im on a sick leave from work because of all this. I'm not allowed to work.