Cheers bro!

My friends, I want to talk to you about nofap and women, about living and living well. I want to talk about porn and premature ejeculation, about death grip and not being able to finish. I want to man up and talk about my feelings because I know you guys are real men and aren’t disillusioned by false machoism. I want to talk about anything and everything that is rushing through my head as I sit here in my undies drinking coffee. Ignore it, love it, up vote or down vote, I don’t care, because the real reason i’m writing this is for me. I know I will see things with unprecedented clarity once i’ve finished tapping this puppy out.

I discovered nofap around 18-24 months ago, it took me a few times but I eventually got to that fabled 90 day mark. I’m not going to lie, it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want to talk about something that has been troubling me for some time now, and it’s the reason i’ve come back to nofap.

I was never overly good with women in my late teens, but around this time last year I became a lot more comfortable with my looks and i’ve discovered my vibe which I find natural and authentic so don’t have to constantly think about what i’m doing around women. I think having to watch all my mates sleep with women and me miss out caused me to notice a lot about how women act and think, and I think this is both a blessing and a curse because it helped me seduce and bed a lot of women these last 12 months. I’m sitting here this morning, after having this beautiful little blonde girl come over last night who I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now, and I don’t think i’ve ever felt so empty in my life. Due to the nature of my work and the fact at any day I might get transferred to a different area, i’ve never really done the whole girlfriend thing because i know i’d feel terrible having to break up with a girl because of work. So naturally, I went down the whole “casual” route. It got to a point where these last 12 months, I would sometimes be seeing anywhere up to 4 women at a time and I justified this by saying "well as long I was honest with them and told them I was seeing other girls and that I didn’t want a relationship upfront, it was all good right?”. Wrong. Even though I went out of my way to make sure I’m still on good terms with all of these girls, and on the most part I surprisingly still am, there was something I totally neglected, something so important and so vital for me and my future wife to be happy I feel like a total dickhead. I don’t care how cheesy this sounds because it’s the truth, but that thing my friends, was my heart. I was blocking out so many emotions, ignoring so many feelings that like a doctor that gets desensitised to death, I was slowly and slowly turning my heart to stone. On the outside, I was affectionate, passionate and able to cuddle girls into glorious states of post orgasmic bliss, but on the inside I was turning into a cold hearted bastard, only I didn’t realise it.

Late last year, I went on a 3 month sabbatical to South America and only slept with 1 girl that whole time. The 3 days leading up to before I left I had slept with a new girl each day from tinder, so you can imagine going 2 months without so much as kissing a girl gave me an amazing amount of time to reflect on how I have been acting and how it was damaging my life. I didn’t plan on sleeping with this girl but we were drunk and everyone was dancing and things just escalated so it just happened. This gave me a huge amount of trouble as I felt I really connected with her that night and the next day we had to leave in two different directions. In hindsight, there was probably no real connection, it’s just that after 2 months of no sex, I feel like my heart was slowly coming back to life and that I was capable of feeling “normal” emotions “normal” people feel. I was jealous of guys in her photos, I felt lonely without her, I would go to sleep at night thinking about her, the works. I hated this at the time, but looking back, it made me feel alive, it made me feel human. As you can imagine, going from quite a fair amount of sex to none in two months, and only “taking care of myself” every now and then, I came quite quickly. I want to cover this real quickly because while this was something I really had trouble with, although it may not effect everyone. The first time I had sex (I didn’t lose my virginity until 20), I want to say i lasted roughly around 20 minutes and could only finish without a condom on. So here I am, a naive 20 year old thinking he was some sort of sex god, not realising my dopamine receptors were fucked up from the copious amounts of porn I watched. Fast forward to post nofap, it got to a stage where I couldn’t last over 60 seconds, often times a lot less. I could come 5 times from blowjobs in a night. This really fucked with my head and I hated it because I literally had severe premature ejeculation. Sex was boring because it was over so quickly. This was a massive issue when I was trying to sleep with women casually because all they want is a good time, and I couldn’t provide that when I was done quicker than 2 minute noodles. This was the only reason I went back to porn. It hindsight, this was a massive mistake.

On nofap, I experienced all the fabled “superpowers” most guys do. I had loads more energy, I was happy, i'd leap out of bed with a dick load of morning glory and jump into that shower as fast as humanly possible. I read like a modern day Marcus Aurelius and everything I had been putting off in the last year I felt like I did in 2 weeks. My skin cleared up, my voice, while already rather deep become like young barry white and I noticed an improved connection with females. I'm not going to say I noticed females paying more attention to me because I genuinely think thats not the case, I think its more I noticed them noticing me and I was sexually frustrated enough to do something about it. The last few months I was back to watching porn daily, sometimes up to 3 times a day. My acne returned, I was putting a lot of work off till the last minute, I’m constantly tired. I’ve gone from reading a book in a few days to not picking my book up in weeks. I’m irritable, getting cranky at things i’d normally brush off. Life has just gotten a lot less colourful. I don’t feel like i’m living so to speak, just going through the motions. I’ve just discovered I’m moving next month for work, so the lovely girl I’m currently seeing and who’s the first girl i’ve ever thought about making my girlfriend, I’ll have to let go. I feel like i’ve cheated her, somehow i’ve wronged her. I feel guilty as hell even though I haven’t done anything wrong. This is tearing me apart and i’ve woken up this morning determined to return to nofap. I can literally pick up my phone and text anyone of the 4 tinder girls i’ve been talking to and they’d be over within the hour. But its not going to happen, because I’ve come to the conclusion that each time I have meaningless sex with a girl, it shaves a little sliver off my heart. I don’t want to finally meet the girl of my dreams and have nothing left to love her with, I just won’t let that happen.

I’m moving to a remote location, a location where I don’t know anyone. My new role will be extremely time consuming, but i’m ambitious and think I can do it. I want to take this time to rediscover what I find important in life. To put women and sex in that little black box in the deepest darkest recess of my conscience and to try and better myself as a human for my future wife. Will I likely get premature ejeculation again? Definitely. But if the girl who I end up seeing isn’t able to understand and help me through that then we probably aren’t meant to be together. My friends, I want you to have faith in nofap, to learn from my mistakes that even though monogamy is extremely difficult, polyamory is something that I think is damaging to the majority of humans that walk this planet. I want to you embrace the PE, to not fear it but to wear it as a badge of honour like I plan to. So here I am, on the 9th of January, choosing a path in the fork in the road. I could take the easy low road, where the path is well worn and signs clear, but i’m deciding to talk the high pass, a rocky and misty path that will be full of danger and temptation. I want you, my fellow nofappers, to join me, in staying on this rocky path, and to share in the beauty of the land of life without porn.

TLDR: Starts nofap, experiences PE, returns to porn, becomes philandering womaniser, heart turns to stone, abstains from sex for 2 months, feelings reemerge, meets girl who he genuinely likes, can’t have her, feels guilty as fuck, realises his life has returned to pre nofap shittyness, decides to return to nofap to start living life like it should be lived.

I apologise for the length of that mostly incoherent rambling, but I already feel ten times better knowing in which direction I will be heading when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Keep on keeping on you glorious bastards.

Gramps