Thank you! Here goes: 1 year 4 months since D-day. Together almost 8 years, married almost 3. Me (F, 46) he’s 39.
The story: Dec. 3, 2015, 9pm on a Friday night he suddenly decides to go meet out-of town friends for drinks (says they are in town for a wake.) Okay. Not normal for him, but he's seemed bummed lately, so I tell him to have fun. Tell him he's my sexy man and kiss him goodbye. I'm asleep when he gets back (around midnight I think). I bolt awake at 2am. Something's not right. I can feel it in my gut. I get up, and take his phone downstairs (he always keeps it on his nightstand). I've NEVER looked through his phone before. It doesn't take long before I find the Google Chat app and there it is, "I'm at the hotel" she says. Him: "Okay, I'm leaving soon." Her, "Great. Room 110." "So the plan is for me to walk in, unzip, bend you over and fuck you until you scream?" he replies. There are older messages as well, talking about him letting her suck his cock, etc. I'm FLOORED. (their words are seared in my brain)
I wake him up, we fight. "It's not what it looks like" he says. "We didn't have sex." he swears. It was this one time. There is no one else, he swears.
Two days later - I'm going through his Facebook account (again, something I've never done) and there are at least 3 women he's been sex messaging with for the last 3 years! Conversations with them about our sex life, conversations about what sex the other women are having, about what he and they would do.
He has no answers. He & I weren't having sex. He was unhappy. He didn't realize what he was doing. THREE YEARS. He was emotionally cheating on me when he fucking proposed to me. He doesn't believe in counseling. The books I ask him to read are psychobabble.
Basically, I'm just supposed to take his WORD FOR IT that he's changed. He promises to give me what I need to heal. That lasts a month or so and then stops. We fight, and the process starts over. Sex was great at first (hysterical bonding, I know now) but after a month or two - drops off. He’s no longer affectionate, no sex drive, not supportive. He says it’s because of his weight gain and depression. He starts taking Lexapro and it is NOT good. He becomes very aggressive. Not physically, but verbally, with everyone. Tells people off on Facebook (don’t even get me started on how many times I told him I wished he would shut his page down. He at least blocked people I asked) verbally aggressive to his family, to me, to people at work. Basically, he’s an asshole. He says it’s because the medication makes him “happy” and people don’t like that. I tell him if him being an asshole to everyone is happy, then there is something seriously wrong. He eventually goes off the Lexapro and starts Wellbutrin, which seems to go better. But still -- no sex, no affection, etc.. continues. We fight, it gets better, then it drops off again. I tell him I feel like a piece of shit for having to basically beg him for sex and affection.
Nothing goes right for the next year. I fear he’s having a relationship at work and I have friends who tell me they’ve seen him acting “chummy” with this woman around campus. Instead of addressing my concerns he blows up about my friends. About them not having any right to interfere in our relationship. I get an anonymous email telling me to open my eyes, that he’s cheating on me with this woman (very suspicious because she has an unusual name spelling and the email got it right). Again, instead of focusing on MY hurt, he starts accusing my friends of sending it and goes on a warpath of “I will end these people.” He’s more focused on revenge than me. And, of course, he swears there’s nothing between him and her because he’s not the same man as before. But I’m just supposed to take his word for it! That he’s a changed man.
Then the D-day anniversary comes around and things explode. I finally insist we have to go to counseling. He says, "No." I pack my shit and leave. Next day, I call him, "I'll ask again, will you go to a marriage counselor?" He says, "yes." I come back. He now uses the fact that I left as leverage against me. Says he has to “heal” from me leaving.
Counseling was a disaster. He's resentful. Angry. Combative. Uncooperative. Disdainful. After 3 sessions, it's obvious this is not going to work so, frustrated, I say "forget it." I keep going by myself. Things seem better for a while but then stop again.
It’s a continuous cycle of us fighting, him saying he’ll do whatever it is that I need to heal, then 12 hours later, him changing his tune and insisting that HIS needs also have to be met. He insists HE has a say in my healing process. That’s it’s an “us” thing and not a “me” thing. I generally throw back “Oh really, was it US that decided to cheat??” so then he accuses me of not forgiving him. Saying I wouldn’t bring that back up if I had truly forgiven him. I tell him forgiveness and FORGETTING are two different things.
Basically - I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck I’m doing. How do I find peace with the situation when I never got any answers? (He deleted every email and chat before I ever had a chance to see them) I tell myself “I have no control over him if he wants to cheat” but then I wonder why I’m staying if I think like that.
Am I crazy for insisting that he has no say in what I need to heal? Why do I stay when he keeps insisting that he does? Is he bi-polar or something? Why does he say yes to what I need that night and then the next morning is back to “he has a say?”
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I took him to the airport today for a week long trip after fighting for the last 3 days. I told him that we should take this week apart, no contact, and truly think about what it is that we want. He counters with “you are taking away everything that is important to me.. My house, my dogs, etc.. by not being able to talk with you” I can’t even BEGIN to understand how that is his response.
Am I stupid for staying? I’ve run away from things all my life, this time I stayed to fight and now I’m questioning why. At one point, being with him made me a better person, but now.. Now that no longer seems to be the case. Can that feeling ever come back?