I'm so sorry your going thru that I myself went thru the same thing took me 5 years and 2 children to realize I wasn't the problem. My wake up call was when he strangled me and took my whole paycheck and left my 2.5 year old and 1 year old at home while I was passed out from his strangling me. I woke up to my 2.5 year old slapping me in the face telling me she couldn't get her sister inside the house she was crawling around the front yard. That same day I packed what I could in my car and left. Filed for divorce a couple months later and then met my now husband of 13 years. Life has a way of showing you things. Some people always asked why did you stay I couldn't answer it then but I know now it was bc I was afraid afraid of failure afraid nobody would want me with 2 kids and a fresh messy divorce. Get help now even if it's a counselor tell anybody close to you so they know if they don't hear from you all day they can go check on you. File a police report regardless if you go back or not it helps with a more serious case.