Thanks for your reply!

I feel like we're in a healthy place, at the very least our communication has improved through this. I think you're right though about my depression being caused by me hurting her, but I spin myself in circles. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her, which is why I felt it was necessary to be honest about my sexual desires for other women with her. But, I'm afraid that it's like you suggest and that she's going along with this because she's afraid to lose me, which isn't how I want her to feel at all. The thought of us not being together depresses me, the thought of me never having a new sexual experience with someone else depresses me, knowing that this all of because of me depresses me... I just feel stuck.

We've discussed going to a therapist and we definitely will, just that funds are tight right now. I wanted to wait (and still do) until after we saw a therapist to begin a new relationship but I have an intense urge to exercise my sexuality in a way I haven't been able to in years... I feel like a piece of shit

I've added the book to my amazon cart, thanks for the great suggestion!