On the wrong side of opening pandoras box. I knew the things that happened to me, i opened the box to find out why some questions pitched me into an emotional state that was just tears. With meditation i could clear that hurdle only to be slammed with another a few days later.

I retreated and had to know what lay underneath. If i could then maybe i could be there for self in a way i never had before and i would be stronger for others i cared so much for.

The nightmares havent left, the triggers are lessening, thankful for small mercies there and im beginning to work through those i have left. In between times ive let those that caused great rending holes in me know what they are responsible for.

It makes me feel like an absolute shit. I am, bluntly for telling the truth. I knew the difference between my real traumas and the nightmares of my fears. But being told you broke someone is not an easy pill to swallow.

Wracked with guilt and shame for trying to find the real me buried under all the trauma suffered over the years. I do blame myself for most of what i went through, i could have been stronger, fear kills courage but even cowards can be brave sometimes.