Normalboots intro Jontron Intro Once upon a time, there was a land that had no heroes. Crime ran amok, people, they were stuck. Dead end jobs, and sometimes in dirt, gravel molasses etc. And then, there was light, from the hilltops a shadowy figure emerged! He was light but also shadow. He also had super strength, was made of metal and had the properties of water. And had great hair. IT WAS JONTRON MAN AND HIS TRUSTY FALCON GREASED LIGHTNING! caw Together they had really good hair. BEW BEW BEWWWWWWWWWW And then they made a billiondahllas. Jon: Well that was a load of shit. Can we sue? Jacques: Out the butt. Jon: Yeah, we should sue. Jon: MAN, REALITY SUCKS. AT LEAST THERE WERE SUPERHEROES IN FAKE! Let's go play one about it. Jon: Let's see, what game do we want to play today. Uhhhh, oh. William Dafoe basketball. Jon: Hah, ey, Nightshade. (screen jump to couch) Jon: Nightshade. Starring the neighborhood watch guy. Don't let him touch your kids. (Jumps to the signature jontron blue wire background) Jon: Nightshade is an interesting beast. Its a game made by Beam Software, the people who would go on to make Shadowrun. Jon: This game defies genre. It seems to mix and match them all over the place. But ey, (Beatbox music plays) (Fire in the background of a kid in a hulk costume) Jon: ITS ABOUT SUPERHEROES (Cuts to snes) (Jon throws Nightshade Cartrige at SNES) (Cut to game) Jon: NIGHTSHADE: The claws of HeECH Jon (Reading game text): So, pathetic meddler, your career is over before it has begun! Jon: DAMN YOU HEUCH! (Cut back to game, Sewer music plays and nightshade is moving back to bomb in a chair) Jon: Oh, oh oh, OH! I'm actually playing? Well. What a start (Hand points at bomb) I'm about to die. I GOTIET. Jon: (Smashing all the buttons on the controller) cmon cmon cmon cmon cmon (Nightshade keeps moving towards the bomb) CMON CMONCO CMON CMON CMON Game: The candle has begun burning through nightshade's ropes. * Jon: Oh, cmon OH I GOT IT! (Bomb detonates) Game: NIGHTSHADE IS FREE! Jon: Dis gon be a good game. I think this should be the new standard! It's like "Hey ya wanna play some sonic 2? BUBOM" (he does the meme face) Jon: Well I may have gotten blown up by a bomb, but apparently that's what happens when you're unpopular. Like Nightshade. Jon: Ah what's this? Game: Walks up to crowbar Jon: Let's pick it up. Game: Becomes examine menu Jon: Woah, WHAT, xcuse me, I didn't believe I was playin TETRIS! Jon: So apparently if you push the A button nightshade dissapears and transforms into a blinking square. Yeh. Game: Jon is walking around through the sewer area Jon: Well I suppose what we have here is some sort of point and click adventure game hybrid. Jon: To interact with the environment you move the cursor around and click on stuff. Jon: Now here in lies the problem with Nightshade. (NES Controller appears on screen) Jon: The A button is used to examine things and the B button is used to operate things. Jon:But you come up to this crowbar and yer like "ALRITE ITS TIME TO PICK IT UP" Jon: JUST GONNA FUCKIN OH YKNOW "NOTHIN UNUSUAL HERE?" YA FUCKIN SNAKE ASS CROWBAR. ITS OBVIOUSLY DIFFERENT FROM THE BRICKS. (Animation appears on screen) Jon: Nightshade's hard to impress. You take him to a history museum and your like "LOOK AT THAT GIANT BRONZE HORSE FROM THE EARLY BCE TIMES" and he's like "eh, nothin unusual here". Jon:You take him to the future history museum and you're like "hey look at that giant hologram horse from the distant ci tie" (CI get's crossed out) Jon: The distant CE Times and nightshade's like NIGHTSHADE CANT DO THAT. (Cut back to game) Jon: So I'm pretty sure you're supposed to pick this up, but a don do it, and b don do it, so what do it? This controller only got 2it. Jon: Dem buttons. (sped up circus music plays behind fire and the NES controller) Screen: THAT WAS A JOKE THX 4 COMING Jon: So get this. You gotta walk over to it, just in the right spot, push select to bring up your options menu, mosey on over to the pickup icon and move the reticule over to the crowbar and THEN Nightshade says "woah that something pretty unusual I'm gonna bend down and pick it up!" (Jon sighs) Jon: Now it doesn't sound like that big of a deal now, but this shit gets so convoluted its like "WHAT ARE ALL THESE MENU OPTIONS! I JUST WANNA PLAY THE GAME! WHAT IS THIS? SYSTEM SETTINGS?" Jon: By the way, watch out. (Screen zooms in on !Quit button) Jon: That button doesn't quit the menu it quits the game. I learned that the hard way. It doesn't even go "Are you sure?" (Windows xp "Are you sure you want to quit? Window appears on screen" It's just PBBH. Jon is looking at tv, and then looks at camera like in The Office Jon: So like you go up to this statue and examine it right and it's like Game: Hmm, the statue has a keyhole Jon: WHELL AINT THAT A PICKLED PEACH! I picked one up in the other room. Jon: Well, let's use it on the statue so we can advance! So, uh I push a, scroll over to the key, and Game displays in text box: Nightshade can't do that Jon: Ah, of course. What you ACTUALLY have to do is hit select, go to use, select the key, move the reticule over the item of interest, and THEN push a. DATS how ya do it. Jon: And you just keep FUCKING Up. And you just keep going back and getting lost in ALL the menus! Jon: Not to mention on top of the stress of navigating the menus there's sometimes a time constraint! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO DAT? (Yellow letters across screen) HOWAMISUPPOZEDTODOTHAT! Jon:It's hard not to get flustered when you're just sitting there goin uh- I just- I just wanna open this, I JUST WANNA OPEN, Jon: HOW! HOW DO I FUCKING OPEN THE FUCKIN THING! SHIET. Jon: I get what this game was going for, I really do, It's trying to be a point-and-click adventure game like kings quest or monkey island. Jon: But in those games you have a whole keyboard and mouse. Here you have a d-pad, 4 buttons, and a disaperating protagonist. Jon: HEY, ITS CALLED A POINT-AND-CLICK, not a sloooow, scroll over there, goin to the menu, keep goin, keep goin, Jon: Now that's ok, I can forgive it, Jon: (Sees police officer) WOOOOOOOAWH Jon: Lookit that cop! Lookat dat old-timey cop! Look atim just tip-tappin around! Happier than mom and grandma's eggs on a saturday! Jon:Hello fine sir- (Game cuts to battle sequence) Jon: WOAH Jon: I wasn't expecting that! Game: Shows Nightshade fighting Police Officer (Screen cuts to jon and shows him laughing at game) Jon: hohoho, This game just went from check minus to check PLUS. Jon: (Imitating cop) WELL IF IT'S A FIGHT YOU WANT IT'S A FIGHT YOU'LL GET! Jon: (Normal again) CMERE! IMA GETCHA! IIIIIMA GETCHA! (Jon beats cop) Jon: Oh look! I'm popular now! Ok! Jon: So, I guess there's nothing in this room then, except for that cop. I'm goin around tryin everything nothing's happening. Jon: These curtains look important. Nah. Nightshade likes it to be night. In the shade. He doesn't want to acknowledge curta- Jon: Ah fuck just cut that, just cut that whole thing. Jon: So now, as always, we come upon the age old point-and-click adventure game addage of having to try EVERYTHING with EVERYTHING. Jon: You on you, and occasionally, tryin you with you, on you. It didn't work. the golden scene I knew you were looking for Jon: Let's try using this crowbar on this anubis for a second. Game: Congratulations! You've just won the "Jef and Paul award for excellence and shopping centers!" Jon: I'm sorry what? (Reading game screen) Game: *Actually the crowbar snaps in two. Jon: (Reads game text and Turns away from screen and looks at camera like in The Office) Game: Just kidding Jon: (Reads game text) Jon: Fool me once, I'm mad. Jon: Fool me twice, how could you. Jon: Fool me three times, you're officially that guy okay? You know the one. You go to the bar and he's like: "This suit is officially a georgio armani, actually my dad knows him" Jon: FAUCK YOU. Jon: I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIINT havin that shit. (Little smile) (Cuts back to game)