NMom refuses to acknowledge traumatic experience and respect boundaries. Should I cut her off?

This is a little long, but I had a similar experience and here's what happened with me:

My mother's husband finally escalated from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse at a family gathering 3 years ago and I cut contact with him after talking to a counselor. My mom was livid and fought against this and her reaction to me calmly saying "he isn't allowed to hit me" was to scream "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME" and then have a massive, dramatic breakdown and call me every nasty thing in the book for weeks. She went around telling people that I had hit her and when I confronted her about the lie she openly admitted that me hitting her would be a grave offense, but her husband was totally allowed to hit me. I just didn't want her to have a man in her life, I just didn't get along with him, he never even hit me, etc... It didn't occur to her to be concerned for me at all. I'm not allowed to have feelings and it was my mistake to think that once he punched I would finally be validated and allowed to feel pain. Nope.

I tried having time with her once a week separately from him. This lasted for about 3 months and then I went NC with her, too, because she kept trying to find ways to get me to go to her house to spend time with both of them. Medical emergencies, tantrums, nasty letters, crying fits... And by the end I was a wreck for days after a visit. It's not possible to have a healthy or positive relationship with a woman who would willingly offer me up for abuse, plus in the absence of her husband I was able to see what an incredibly abusive parent she was (initially I thought of her as the safe adult and was very enmeshed with her). She has never apologized or admitted anything and I, like you, found interactions with her leaving me empty. My mother, like yours, talks about my anger issues and hate in my heart blah blah blah... Anything to deflect from the issue of me setting a calm boundary against being punched by someone. 3 years later and nothing has changed except maybe the stories in her head about why I'm not in her life.

I would say you should cancel the dinner because, like Vavama has said, your mother made her choice and being around her is toxic to you. Many bad parents, unfortunately, choose their violent spouse over the safety of their children. You have no obligation to someone like that and she is willingly compromising your bodily safety every time she disrespects your boundaries. You have every right to take a break from her to sort your feelings out, cut her off, or limit contact.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread