The last fully mutual, voluntary conversation I can remember having is a family friend who wanted my help in math. I'm not good at math. I tried to help her. I spent the better part of an hour trying to explain, just trying to be useful for someone, not like I'd do anything better with the time even if I failed. I think I did ok, she spoke up in class some time later about the thing I tried to help with and understood. I felt so proud, felt like a real person, not some hacked together cardboard cutout. That was close to a year ago now. I wish to god I could just help someone do something. I don't even want friends to enrich my own life anymore, I just don't want to be whatever the hell solitary leech I am now