I have no idea where to go from here

First, or Scheme #1: Your husband is not a "tattletale" because you damn well bet your ass that they intend every word to get back to you. This is a part of their game and they consider it winning that they get to badmouth you and you have to hear the shit they say about you, but you can never fight back.

I think you need to stop this now, and unfortunately for your husband, I think you need to stop this by enforcing a new rule: if he wants to deal with his parents, then he deals with the verbal abuse. He has the opportunity to go to counselling and talk about it there, but he is not to bring it up in front of you. It is not fair to you, it is not fair to the baby (because hearing all that shit is going to make you tense and unhappy).

Second: I think you need to set down a firmer rule about NC. I understand where he's coming from. These are his parents. It must be tearing him apart to think of creating a rift that might not be healed. Problem being that they are actively, maliciously, and consistently working on opening that rift even further, pushing and shoving and digging and biting and tearing and rending as HARD AND AS OFTEN AS THEY CAN, and they have made it very clear by the way they talk to him about the woman he loves that they DO NOT RESPECT HIM, let alone his wife and child. Enough is enough.

I think this is the very LEAST that needs to happen in this situation.

Third, or Scheme #2, if you can get him on board with this: He needs to set hard and fast ground rules and stick to them. Every time he allows their emotional manipulation to sway them, HE is TEACHING them that it is OKAY for them to talk to him like that, to talk about you like that, and to pull the emotional manipulation BULLSHIT that they are pulling every chance they get.

If he wants to continue to try and stay in contact, the hard and fast rule is: NO bad talking. NO whining. NO criticizing. Not of him, not of his wife, not of his child, not of ANYTHING about ANY of you. Family sometimes tend to be more critical than others and sometimes that can be helpful because they'll give you advice others wouldn't give and so very often, we allow them that right even if we don't enjoy what they have to say. But your husband's parents have lost that privilege. IF they earn it back at all, it will be because they have learned how to behave, how to respect BOUNDARIES, and how to shut their mouth politely when they are asked politely. THE FIRST TIME. In the meantime, the "no negative talk" rule applies as follows: one calm, polite reminder. "I told you I don't want you saying things like that. You hurt me and you hurt my family when you talk like that and you make it hurtful even to be around you. Let's change the subject so I can stay and enjoy my time with you." The second time: get up. Leave. Try again another day. If they call, do not answer. Turn the phone off if you need to. If they email, text, whatever - ignore them. He needs time to blow off the steam from a very stressful family interaction, and letting them back in just gives them an opportunity to work on pushing him more. And they're gonna push. They're gonna push and push and push and PUSH at that and again, that is emotional manipulation, and he is going to HAVE to stand strong. It sucks that he has to be the parent to his parents, but unfortunately, if he wants his OWN family to be happy, he needs to get to that "enough is enough" point. Like, just look at how you've described him! WOULD HE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER TREAT HIS OWN SON LIKE THAT? I'm going to go with "oh HELL, no", so he has every right to tell his parents "stop that" for his own sake, and for your and your son's sake, he needs to tell them that. The sooner the better. Hell, it's good practice for him, he's a dad now and you damn well know that baby's going to be testing his ability to emotionally manipulate the adults around him before you know it!

Also, I just saw a comment by you where you mentioned they keep accusing you of "setting the rules". That's another bad violation of the "no bad talk" rule, and a good opportunity to say "these are OUR rules, and you are breaking them despite my asking you nicely. I'm glad to have seen you, but it's time to go now. I'll talk to you again another time."

Fourth: I would still say that NC between you and them at this time is a good idea. They have no respect for you, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. I can understand your difficulty with the baby. Just the way she wanted to take the baby into a bathroom with her and put him on the FLOOR instead of just saying "hey I need to use the washroom can someone else hold him for a minute" (!?!?!?!) - wtf! No. If you trust your husband not to leave the baby alone with them, I'd say let him take the baby along - but again, he HAS to be firm on that no emotional manipulation thing! Because he's got his baby there, and that baby's going to be taking in the atmosphere, and eventually the words. He's GOT to train his parents that it is NOT okay to badmouth you in front of that him and DEFINITELY not in front of your kid!!

Fifth: IF your husband can follow second and third on a consistent, reliable basis, then I'd still let him vent to me about what they said. It's going to be a tough battle for him and he'll need the emotional support of someone - it's probably going to piss you off - hell, it pisses me off just hearing it from you, and look how I talk when I get pissed off! BUT - I suggest letting him get it out WITHOUT saying snarky or angry things about his parents. You can absolutely be honest about it hurting you to hear what they say, just refrain from lashing out and making nasty comments back about them. HARD, right? Particularly with two such insanely easy targets? But see, that's the thing about his parents - they won't support him emotionally without badmouthing the woman he loves. You can support him emotionally without badmouthing the parents he loves. And the way you talk, I think you are legitimately and lovingly concerned about the pressure the man you love is being put under here. So let him work off the steam, let him talk out what frustrated him about the latest run-in, sincerely show your admiration for him when he succeeds in setting a boundary, encourage him for "next time" when he feels he slipped, go out for a walk or a swim or something to get rid of some of that excess energy - and continue to vent here, and/or to your counselor, and/or elsewhere when YOU need to, because their words are still going to affect you, and you'll need support as well!

Having said that, I think he does need to go to counselling. This is an insanely hard position and he's got to know how hard this is on him - emotionally, mentally, even physically I'm betting - how can you do any better? A professional can walk him through it with a professional's touch - s/he has no preconceptions, no investment in the 'sides', nothing but the goal of helping your husband work through a difficult time in his life. You didn't go into his reasons for avoidance and of course you don't have to, it's not our business, but I just want to say - I hope he doesn't think that men shouldn't have to accept help, because that's turning away perfectly good water in the middle of a desert because you're pretty sure you read somewhere that water's only good for you in limited doses!

Well. This is a pushy comment and full of caps. Sorry. Of course this is totally all opinion and what you choose to do is totally up to you. But as you can see, I have a mild dislike of people who think other people's happiness is theirs to give and to take away based on whether they are being made happy or not.

/r/JUSTNOMIL Thread