I don't think you are cold. I think this is just how the day in day out stress on the caregiver plays out. It gets fucking old. People don't want to be honest about how they really feel about the fact that *their* life, present, past and uncertain future is being commandeered and wholly dominated by the illness of a parent, spouse, child or even friend. In fact, some people might say that everyone has a different experience/reaction. I believe *everyone* eventually comes to this place. How can we not? And then these natural feelings and dark thoughts, hopes and plans for your *own* future and life bring guilt. Guilt guilt guilt. Every once in a while you remember that you love this person. You remember why you love this person and you feel like an asshole for thinking about your own freedom, some day.

From my own experience I can say that the things I think (and think and think and think...and plan) have really clashed with the image I used to have of myself as a "good" person. I have wanted to be a Saint. I have wanted to be very good. A lot of days I fall short and these day by day shortcomings are building the past that I will look back on one day and I hope I can be proud of myself. But I bet I won't.

If your mom is 89 you're older than me and your clock is ticking too.

My experience is making me feel like I never want to be in another relationship again, partly because I'm afraid my new partner will become ill in one way or another and it will start all over again. Part of me is terrified that once my wife passes away then it will be *my* turn to have illness. This experience is also making me fear that I will be the burden to someone else. I hope I have the courage to kill myself in that case. However and whenever it happens I know I will miss my wife terribly. It's a lose lose scenario.