I am not going to be able to offer phenomenal advice, so the most important thing I can say is "that I understand". I understand what it is like to feel suicidal, in fact, I have attempted suicide four times. But can I tell you something about having so many failed suicides? I am thankful every day that I did not succeed, because even though things aren't ideal like I want them to be I am living a way better life right now.

As /u/LuluThePanda had said. "You are enough. What you've done in the past doesn't matter". The past doesn't define us the way we like to think it does. Sure, there are consequences for your past actions that momentarily affect you, but you are able to move past them and become a better person! This is not even sugar coating it! This is the truth because I and many others have experienced struggling with depression who have managed to live our lives! We are out there and we understand you.

In your years of living with a religious family, do you remember Elijah? He struggled with depression/ thoughts of suicide. Did God punish him for having those thoughts? No! Of course not, because God understands our suffering better than anybody and if we, as humans made in God's image, have compassion what makes you think God does not? Through your burdens upon him and seize every opportunity you can to be a better person.

But, man, please keep on listening. You may need to get mental help such as a psychiatrist. I know you are saying you feel like God isn't answering your prayers, but what if his answer is that you rely on his word and seek other professional guidance?