Is it normal to have very violent and verbally abusive meltdowns?

Honestly if it happens I don't even know it's coming - it surprises me too. I have alexithymia so unless an emotion is obvious I often don't know right away what's going on. For instance true anger is rare and feels like my brain is on fire - I like to think that the next time it happens I'll recognize the feelings but that isn't always the case. I might need to first figure out what's going on based on strange sensations in my body and then figure out the why, the trigger. This process can take a couple of minutes when alone and I have time to figure things out. (then laugh at myself because I'm such a fool, having to replay events looking for clues like Sherlock Holmes). But if someone is in my face, standing over me, telling rather than asking, yelling nonstop, won't let up on whatever even if their voice is regulated - I just might blow up. It never happens unless I am being pushed to my limit and like I said feel trapped. Fight or flight. I don't recognize the build-up to anger or frustration so I can't mitigate it and behave in a more civilized way. So in answer to your question there is no forethought to anything. It is always deserved I think but that doesn't make it right - it takes A LOT to make me react this way . And I do feel bad afterwards, thus the apoligy.

/r/autism Thread Parent