I'll admit, I still have times of feeling okay. Not like exceptionally happy like the good old days but I have times where there's no pain. Mostly though, every day feels like a struggle to get through. However, it's not just getting through it, it's trying to thrive. I'm not someone to settle for average right? I want to really be someone and achieve to the level I believe I can. So I go even further to try and better myself.

I spent half a year trying to learn to code just to find out no matter how many hours I spend on it there is some sort of disconnect. I tried tricking myself into believing that I was enjoying it and it's what I wanted more than anything, but it beat me down so hard and I just gave in. I mean the only explanation is that I'm stupid. I'm not as good at things as I thought, and no, no matter how much I try and want something it just isn't going to happen. Meanwhile, there are kids 10 years younger than me making applications and writing automated code that makes my head spin. All I have to show for my efforts are simple Dice Rolling programs that barely even work well.

Like I always believed and was told I was intelligent. Like I don't think I was ever a moron, but I come to find I can no longer learn or something. I don't have a passion for anything other than computers which I find interesting, but I have no real skills that can lead me anywhere. I keep putting in applications hoping I can get a job somewhere I can learn and get experience but they only people they hire are people who already know everything because it's the smart move. Why bother with someone new who doesn't know and will waste time and money? I can't fault them but it leaves me hopeless.

I keep telling myself that if I think positively and keep trying then I have no right to beat myself up. However, when I try hard to get a foot-hold in any way and it all seems to go nowhere it just makes me want to not live anymore. I can't kill myself because I'd miss my friends and family and they would miss me, but sometimes it feels barely worth it. I want to love them with all my heart like I used to. I want to be the really sensitive and kind person who can help others like I used to be. Now though, I can hardly contain my own hangups and I feel awful about it.

I keep getting older and it feels like more doors close. I have a significant other, and without them I may have already given up. I'm so ready to call it quits but I figure before that I'm going for broke and I'm going to move really far away and try to start some sort of new life. I figure it's better than just shooting myself, but if it doesn't work I'll go broke and probably have nowhere left to go.