Not even sure if I'm depressed or just a shitty person but I need to be heard

"To be fair other than them my family sucks. I won't go into the family drama because no one cares but probably no one is reading this far. My uncle, it had to be my fucking uncle of course, molested me. I have to act like everything is fine just about every week but I suck at acting and since no one knows what happened I just seem like a total bitch to both his wife, my cousins and most importantly my parents. It hurts me to disappoint them and to hear them talk about him like he's such a great fucking person but they are too emotionally weak for me to tell them what happened. I can never have a problem, or be sad, their whole world comes crushing down. I can only imagine how they would feel if I told them that."

That shit undoubtedly put you on a trajectory in life and you're basically the one who is bearing the brunt of all of this emotional weight to be "nice" to the person who molested you. That isn't fucking fair to you.

"I think it's his lack of romantic love that stops me from loving him in a romantic way. But despite that he really is my everything, sadly enough. I say sadly because as they say you shouldn't base your happiness on one person and I should have more of a spine than that and be more independent and whatnot but I know I would have a harder time without him in my life."

There was no whirlwind romance period? You aren't physically, like, naturally, attracted to each other? Well, I guess there is nothing wrong with being each others' emotional supports right now. You're young, there could be worse possibilities. At least you're there for each other. You're not getting married, lol.

"Because I have no real friends. Not to flatter myself but I can make "friends" extremely easily and be super sociable. But I just can't put it the prolonged effort to develop and maintain a real friendship. I just want to be alone. To be honest I think the only reason I make an effort to socialize with my boyfriend is because of sex. And again, I feel horrible about that. But when he talks I'm seriously like okay I don't fucking care I'd rather we have sex or he stfu because if he isn't talking about me then he bores me."

Alright, at first glance I was like wtf, but it makes sense. Not saying you're "just like everyone" but I think there are probably some like neural connections formed or some epigenetic shit or genetic shit that happens or gets activated once someone gets "activated" or like starts to accept doing sexual stuff where your self-worth gets pinned to it a lot more than it would have if something didn't happen to you forcibly at a previous time in your life, if that makes any sense at all. Like there's the stereotype of everyone your age being like that but the mental and physical weighting of its importance is different because of issues with other things that happened. Who knows, there's nothing inherently wrong with it, just be safe though.

"And finally, school. I got into a great university."


"But not to worry. It's me. I will find a way to fuck it up. In fact, I'm pretty sure I already did."

You have to, imo, work out your issues BEFORE, not AFTER, you go to university, or else you might become a depressed alcoholic idiotic mess like I did and just COMPLETELY spiral out of control because of unchecked issues going into school.

"Hobbies, etc? Forget it. I'm the most boring person. I'm a hedonist to the max. The only things I enjoy in life are sex and xanax."

Kick the xannys I'd prefer you smoke herb or some shit brochacha, that shit is seriously the road to a dark path. All these shortcut things are nice interruptions to your normal thought process, no? Well, you will have to develop ways to engage what's going on in your mind free and clear of instant relief mechanisms or you will always be a slave to substances or external things and never gain the power to improve your internal mental mechanisms you need to be okay with yourself and your thoughts. Okay, that's not guaranteed to happen, but if you never bother to... it might happen, and that might be bad. Basically, ask yourself if you'd be okay just sitting in a quiet room and listening to your own thoughts for a while. Developing your inner voice and peace of mind and shit will legit help you survive this crazy world we live in.

"So when I put it all down into words and divide it all up into categories I can realize that I am just a whiny bitch who has it way too good and whines out of too much good. But that doesn't help me. I still feel like shit, I still hate waking up, I still can't do shit. Why? I think this just may be the type of person I am? Constantly unsatisfied, unpleasant, unhappy just undesirable waste of space. And yes I know if I would read myself I'd say okay just change just do what you think you should do to be a better person it's up to you to help yourself and logically I know that's true but it just does not fucking help. Maybe I don't want it to help then. I feel like an idiot for having written all this down and it's rather vain to write this fucking novel about my ridiculously first world problems but I seriously feel like fucking shit and every day is such a fucking struggle and I just want things to get better.

I know I described myself as the worst person in the world because I kinda am but I'd be lying if I said I don't still want someone to make me feel heard or kick some sense into me. Totally feel like an idiot now."

Nah, you aren't a piece of shit. Here's my quick opinion on you.

You recognize and appreciate what's been done for you. That's great!

You discount/try to make it seem like the negative in your life wasn't realllly as bad as it was, and that it's not an excuse for who you are.

But... it totally did shape who you are, what you think about, and the thoughts that you try to escape from. Stop discounting that. You need to tackle this situation one way or another, and suicide isn't the sensible option, no offense. You owe it to yourself to start staking a claim for your OWN life, and also possibly the health and welfare of others. Someone who is willing to do things to you and just passively says nothing or has never apologized or even recognizes what happened... I mean fuck, look at Cosby. That smug motherfucker had us all fooled.

/r/depression Thread