Not gonna do anything rash but I wanna die

Been there. I was up to the point where I wrote a letter to my closest friend and left several thousands in cash in an envelope addressed to her with instructions on what needed to be done (I had this notion that I needed to make sure all the bills were paid). I even got in my car and started driving, leaving everything behind except my driver's license and all my electronics (I wanted all my digital stuff destroyed with me). A few hours later I was driving along the bluffs next to the Pacific Ocean. All I had to do was drive over the railings and fall between 100 and 200 feet to the surf.

And I couldn’t do it.

Funny how a few hours driving can clear the brain. During the drive I thought all I needed was to drive into oncoming traffic. Then I thought of the other driver and his family and how I couldn’t do that to them. I could have put a bullet in my head instead, if I didn’t read about how there’s a chance I’d survive it and end up brain damaged. In fact I googled the many ways to destroy myself. And in the end, I can’t. My friend, who found my letter, was distraught and got on the phone with me immediately. She talked me into going back home and had already scheduled an emergency counseling session with a therapist.

Fast forward almost two years later, and I’m actually happy. New city, new state, new house, new man. We just spent Friday afternoon laughing our heads off because, for some stupid reason, we both decided to learn inline skating (I’m in my 40s, he’s in his early 50s). I didn’t spend more time on the ground than upright, but it was close. My new guy was there holding my hand the whole time, urging me to keep learning so that it’ll be his turn to get in his skates next. Everyone passing us looked with bemused expressions at the grown man and woman giggling like idiots, but we didn’t care. We were having too much fun.

New life, new lease on life. I’m happy I didn’t lose mine two years ago during a moment when I thought my life was over. During those two years, I still had intermittent thoughts about ending it all, those dark days when nothing was worth living anymore. But I think I didn’t go through with it because I was curious about what the next day will be like. After all it can only be better since, damn it, it can’t possibly get worse. And I was right.

/r/widowers Thread