Not Raider-related, but your Raider bro needs advice.

Lots of great support here and some really good pragmatic advice. I'm just going to toss in a few thoughts that are a bit more philsophical in nature. As with all advice, take what seems good, use it as you see fit, discard the rest.

Life is supposed to be hard sometimes

We are supposed to experience ups and downs, highs and lows. Those are what makes our lives interesting and special. From JFK's Moon speech :

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.

In whatever you do--in everything you do--you will suffer setbacks and struggles. When you get past them and come out the other side and have success, it feels fantastic, even moreso than if you had succeeded on Try #1.

As a species, I really do think that we are at our best when we are overcoming obstacles. For instance, if you lift weights, it's when you are attack your limits that you get stronger. If you're doing martial arts, you'd rather spar with someone a bit better than you (or at least someone that offers a challenge) so that your skills will improve. When you are faced with an academic problem just beyond your grasp, the effort spent will often lead to an "A-HA!" moment that elevates you to another level.

Just understand that you are experiencing a moment that is difficult and that you will get past it. It is temporary and that will give you a little bit of help to step forward.

Know that you are strong

"Failure" and "Weakness" are two words that have been loaded with too much negative connotations, imho. Both of these are important to our lives and growth as a human and it's nice to embrace them.

This is a football group and so we understand the attitude of "Winning isn't the most important thing, it's the ONLY thing" and "2nd place is the first loser." That's the mindset when you compete.

BUT

When it's all done, there's a great deal that any person should take away from a defeat or from coming in 2nd place (like losing in the Superbowl, for instance).

In other areas of life, though, failures are going to happen. Or, more precisely, momentary setbacks happen. You could fail a test, fail to get into a University, fail to pass a job interview, fail to maximize your financial returns in the stock market, etc. That can happen and definitely does happen. But those times are times to reflect and improve.

Typically things that may be considered failures are really opportunities (and I don't mean to sound like Gavin Belson from the Silicon Valley tv show).

Men in particular are often told to not be weak.

But we all have weaknesses and we all feel weak at some time. The irony is that if you have confidence in yourself and know that overall you are a strong person, you can allow yourself to feel and be weak as you need to. This is because you know that you have the internal strength to rise up again as you need to.

Not every day is going to be your best day. Don't try to act as if it were.

Know that you are a strong person and that thru any pain you are feeling, you will rise and be great again. If you really know that, you can let yourself be weak as you need to.

A failed relationship is not a FAILURE on your part (necessarily)

Again, harking back to "failure". It's a loaded word and being associated with a failure brings too much negativity to it.

Failing at a relationship makes it seem like YOU failed at the relationship. As if it were a game with a winner and loser and you lost. This kind of mentality makes everything bad and will make moving forward difficult, particularly in engaging and dealing with your former girlfriend.

Relationships serve a purpose in our lives and what we may WANT from them may not be what we get from them.

It's rare that a relationship will be a lifelong connection. People step in and out of each other's lives all the time and we can have amazing effects on each other. Sincere moments with people from long ago still resonate with me, some from just dear friends, some from former lovers, some from nice acquaintances. In exchange, I hope I have done the same and try to do so in the world I inhabit now.

An Ended Relationship can be caused by a mistake or by a poor action / decision. These breakups can be "faulted" to one party or the other, but often, relationships can just grow past their expiration date. As people grow--particularly in the formative portions of our lives--we can find very different needs and goals.

I still keep in touch with my very best friend from high school and college. We were tight so that it seemed like we were brothers, maybe even twins, the way we could predict each other's thoughts. But as we grew up, our philosophies and views on the world changed. We're still close, but it's not the same and sometimes I'm a bit sad that we can't really discuss some things because our views are so different.

Things change.

People change.

That's the nature of it and relationships end. They all do and we need to understand how to cope and keep going.

Pause and reflect

Whatever caused the breakup was important to have happened and is a key in your emotional and relationship growth.

Take a moment to pause and reflect over it.

Remember all the good times and why they were good. What made you happy. What you treasured. What you feel like you can't go on without. Think on all those great moments you had together. YOU STILL OWN THOSE MOMENTS. They still belong to you and they will never go away.

Harder may be to look at see about what didn't go so well. Things you could have done better. Indications things were going poorly earlier than you may have realized. Mistakes you made. Mistakes she made.

It's hard to do and very hard to be neutral or rational about it. But after every difficult time, it's important to "take stock" and figure out where you are and what you've done in order to figure out where you're going.

Allow yourself to privilege of feeling your emotions

Refering to above and knowing that you are strong. So, you can allow yourself to let your emotions well up and overwhelm you if you need to.

Often, women will say that they "need a good cry" which is really to expel and express their emotions.

And then for men, it often takes the form of anger, like hitting a punching bag, primal screaming, or pounding plates at the gym.

You may find that taking a moment or so to sit and let the sadness come will allow the catharsis to happen.

As a person, you have a whole range of emotions that are built in. You don't have to try to only engage in a few of them. Let them come and then let it go.

There are some relaxation exercises that begin with tensing yourself up first because actively feeling the tension is the first step to being able to relax. For example, you want to relax your hand. First make a fist, then squeeze it as hard as you can, like you are trying to make glass out of sand. Then take a deep breath and as you exhale, open your hand and relax it, letting all that tension flow out as if you were pouring out water.

SImilarly with your emotions, don't fight them. Let them come and if they are substantial let them consume you for a moment and then take a deep breath and try to cleanse them.

Work with your emotions, not against them.

Keep your heart open

The unfortunate nature of the world is that the intensity of the pain you are feeling is directly related to the intensity of the love and joy you had when you were in your relationship. It is BECAUSE she meant so much to you that it hurts so much.

That's the price.

If you want to avoid this pain in the future, you can close your heart and not let anyone mean that much to you. You'll definitely protect yourself from this emotional pain and struggle.

But you'll also lose all those glorious moments. You lose enough of that and you wonder why you're in a relationship anyway.

An open heart is one that will be subject to pain, but you are strong and you are capable of passing thru the painful moments.

That means in the future, you will have many more fantastic joyful times. In fact, the growth you experience now will lead you to even greater times in the future.

Yes, it is going to get even better sometime.

But only if you keep yourself and your emotional center open and ready to accept. (not right away and maybe not very soon, but sometime)

Find the joys and beauties inherent in you and in the world around you

Right now, since the breakup was so soon and so major, you're probably putting everything in context with her in it. Some songs remind you of her, restaurants you went to bring back those memories, etc etc. in your mind, these are all strongly coupled with her.

It starts to feel like these great things don't mean much without her.

But the world is an amazing and beautiful place. If you can take a moment to appreciate things on their own merit and subtract her from the equation, it may help you get a little peace of mind and calm.

Do not hide, Do not cover up

This relates with some points above.

Pain in its various forms is unpleasant and so we go to lengths to prevent it and then to get rid of it. Sometimes, we just cover it up. Depending on what you do, covering it up does not help; the pain is really there and will just come back later.

The pain is going to work its way thru your system eventually.

(cont)

/r/oaklandraiders Thread