Growing up I went through Emotional neglect.and a father who was barley a part of my life

I had an Abusive babysitter (my parents didn’t believe me)

Knife fight involving a slash to my face that I blocked with my arm at age 14 (I lied about it and everyone assumed it was a self harm thing, I don’t blame them because at that age I was into self harm but it was frustrating)

Having my gf commit suicide when I was 15 I was the last person she called and just wanted to talk till she fell asleep, (which we did every night) She didn’t tell me that this particular night she was waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in for her to die. (she didn’t seem scared and she kept talking about our life together, the only out of place thing was she asked if I thought death might be like a dream and if it was possible to live an eternity together in our sleep.) We were in the phone for about 3 hours and it must of only took like 10 minutes for the pills to kick in.

Flipping my car going nearly 100mph almost killing 3 of my friends, the car was upside down crushed against a utility pole hanging by just the wires when I was 17

Getting shot at when I was 19

Having 2 friends die in my arms. Age 19 and 20 (One gunshot, one overdose)

Being sent to a violent prison with murderers and rapists because my paperwork was messed up, Age 21

I wanted to take a break with the girl I was with so she didn’t leave me while I was in prison, her response was “I’d never do that to you, I want to f*cken marry you!” 7 months later I called her snd she was with another guy, she left me for him.

Witnessing my sister seize up and die. (From cancer) Age 24

Getting shot at age 26 (Right chest/shoulder, I still get phantom pains)

Hearing about a good friend dying age 27 (resurfacing of the memories of holding my friends as they died)

There’s a few other things but these are the things I consider to have an actual impact on my life.

It’s hard for me to even me to even consider having a future with someone. I’m loner because of my trust issues, I have some weird tics that I tend to try anf hide really well but anxiety and adhd are a huge problem,

If I’m not having a nightmare I’m dreaming about my first love and the life we could of had together, they are long lucid dreams that make me feel sad and hopeless when I wake up and makes me want to never wake up. The nightmares I have involve getting shot at or trying to pull a gun away from me. Many times I jump awake sometimes yelling a swear or swinging.

I have mistrust of lot of people and I’ve never felt the same love as I felt as my first love, Eve my fiancé… I loved her but it wasn’t the same. I don’t give people multiple chance I’m not suicidal and micro-dosing shrooms helps a lot with depression.

I never out this all together and felt that maybe beating my hell me some,

Thank you for listening man. I appreciate it, there’s more stuff I didn’t include but I think this is then more important stuff

Thank you for listening to me vent, any advice would be appreciated.