I have nothing going for me

Try having a small paraphernalia charge on your record and watching the career you built for 9 years go down the drain. I'm 27 now and was 18 when I began this career. I do have a wife but if she were to leave me, I'd have literally nobody. Neither of my parents speak to me. I now have 2 friends beyond my wife but honestly really just one that ever talks to me or hangs out with me (when he can)(he's a friend I met on a job deployment doing the same thing as I do and we live in 2 different states). The reason I smoke weed(I do enjoy it as well. I won't lie) is because I'm literally in severe pain every single day of my life and it continues to get worse and worse every day. I'm 6'8" and have scoliosis, major joint damage, TMJ, tics, the scoliosis crushes down on my bladder and so I have a bad bladder, major nerve damage from the constant jolting from the tics, inflammation, etc. My knees have recently began giving me tall people problems too. Yayyy! Oh yeah, and I'm overweight which absolutely helps none of my ailments whatsoever. Try working out to lose the weight with all of these problems. I wanted to live but I'm down to literally one brother who speaks to me out of my family and nothing going for me in life. One of my dreams is to buy cheap houses and then fix them up and rent them out to people but I can't do that without my career paying me and they are no longer sending me on job deployments. It's looking like that will never happen. On October 19th, I did slit one wrist and temporary died I think. If not, I was close to because I'm positive I was having a dmt trip be there was a strange looking man standing in the corner of my bathroom watching me. I was going to do the other wrist too and my neck as well but just didn't get that far. I sorta blacked out and the bathroom door ripped open and my wife was there. I think the shock jolted life back into me possibly. Now, every single day since, things get worse and worse for me and although I don't want to hurt her or others, I feel like just disappearing into some deep woods somewhere so that they always wonder what happened to me but don't have to go through the hurt and guilt and all that because of me. Every night as I'm passing out, I get new suicidal thoughts in my mind. They pass my mind throughout the day as well but really flood my mind before I fall asleep each night. If either of you ever want to private chat, feel free to message me. The same goes for anybody with future response to the original post. I'm sure we could all use someone to talk to. I know that I can. Sorry if I ruined your post with my problems.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread