Same.

I'm looking to get SRS and I'm obsessed with looking at all the details that might differ from a cis vagina. Also super obsessed with scars from the surgery and want to go to someone who has minimal scarring.

But I already know I'm going to find a a bunch of flaws after the surgery even if it goes right, so I've been looking to revision surgeons and labiaplasties so that I can know how much something can he fixed.

And then when I think about the reality that I can't have kids even if I have the prettiest vagina in the world, I get depressed and tell myself that the best I'm going to get out of this life is that I will be an master impersonator of the female form but will never actually be a real female.

And keep in mind I've been on puberty blockers since 15, I pass very well ( I might get my chin narrowed though) and get hit on by men everyday, and get compliments from strangers all the time that I'm so pretty, and that I'm exotic since im Arab, that I look like an Arab angelina Jolie, my voice sounds 100%female, yet I still think ill never be enough because I dont have the ability to have kids.

And this makes me want to die. Some days its better than others but most days I want to die, even though I'm still going through my transition.

I cant imagine what would be my reality if I hadn't been on blockers so early, or if I wasn't cis fenale attractive, or if my voice had deepened. I would've ended it.

Also I'm pretty sure I have BDD. Like I legit think I'm hideous even though everyone, through their behavior or their words, insinuate I'm attractive.

Also my looks are probably 80% of what I spend my time thinking about. Even when I'm driving, instead of having the rear view mirror facing the back window to see cars behind Me, I tilt it towards my direction so I can see myself while I'm driving.

Also I have like 3 mirrors in my room positioned in different angles so I can see what I look like from every possible direction.

I'm sure I'm hyper obsessed because I'm trans though, if I was cis I wojkdnt care as much, but since I'm trans I have the feeling that I need to be prettier than most cis females so that the genetic deficiency of not being XX is counter acted by being prettier than most of 'them'. And that any guy will look past my not being able to have kids and being born a boy because I prettier than any genetic female they can get.

I know I'm ill in the head but I dont think most people who aren't trans will understand me, so I dont to to therapy. Heck i don't think most trans people would get me, except the ones who are very 'red pilled'so to say about the world and not so hugboxy. But I totally get the hugboxy coping mechanism as for some it's what keeps them alive.

This world sucks for us end of.