I was maybe 7 or 8 and I was at some shopping center with my father. Some old lady walking in front of us straight up dropped out of nowhere. Her head hit the cement hard. There was blood and I remember I could see her skull was cracked open. My dad ran to her immediately but I froze. I remember him yelling 'get paper towels'. I walked into the nearest store, I believe it was a nail salon. I asked for some. They gave me a roll and I went back out. There was more blood. My dad had already called 911. He asked some vitamin shop dude to watch me while he waited for an ambulance to arrive. After, he told me that she was fine. I knew it was a lie. There were no sirens when the paramedics left, only a red stain on the cement. I blamed myself for a while, I thought maybe I didn't get the paper towels fast enough. Stupid kid logic I guess . I don't even know what the towels were for, in retrospect.

My only other experience with death before that point was learning that my best friend had died in a car accident four years prior. One of my earliest memories is walking into preschool and there were no kids there, I was sent to another class while some parents and my teachers grieved and discussed the news. In addition to the deaths, there were so many other things that had broken me down throughout my childhood. It would be taxing to elaborate further. By the time I was eleven, I realized how different I felt from the other kids. What did they have that made them so calm? So happy? I learned to fake it. Acting isn't hard when you're in sixth grade but feel like you have been alive for a hundred years. But, I quickly grew tired and gave up on other people for the most part.

In middle school I lost my grandfather to a heart attack. He was a nice guy. I lost my uncle to cancer my junior year, another amazing person. I lost my grandmother to a car accident my senior year, she was the sweetest lady you could ever meet. I didn't cry once at any of the funerals. Someone had to be strong for everyone else, why shouldn't someone who is already so broken take the hit? I rarely felt anything by that point.

On my way up to college after a weekend of visiting my family my freshman year, I drove by a nasty accident. I saw two people who were definitely dead, another one who I would be shocked to hear survived. I remember wondering how a normal person would react to seeing that.