Probably that I don't see my life going anywhere. I quit my old very good job because I was not fully occupied by it, i worked 8 hours a day and browsed reddit for 5 of them.
The reason I quit was, that a client of mine offered me a better paid position as the IT-Teamleader of his company, so I went there and left my friends and collegues at that company behind. Only to realise that there was not Team there, so I'm the only IT person. People are great, the girls are a reason to come in every day, but the worst is, that the guy that pulled me in is now the IT Leader... he's in sales.
My girlfriend, which I love more than anything, lives in a southamerican country. She's the sunshine to me, but I feel devastated because of the high flight prices, the little time we spend together and the long times we don't see each other. I feel like I'm loosing the intimacy with her, because of the lack of body contact, the nights I miss her by my side and the mornings I wake up without her.
Which leads me to the next thing. Yesterday a girl shot me a message, and it's that kind of girl that only calls or texts when she's 'lonely'. I first declined and said I was busy, but later that night I was in a club and it was so damn boring, they had a bikini-voucher thing going on, 20€ if you come in a bikini top and bottom, and the girls were wondeful, but I got very depressed. Later I went home and texted her, but she put me on hold. Did not come, which was probably better, but still I feel like a fool for texting her, and for waiting on her for multiple reason.
My friend circle is made of three people. That's it. I'm not very communicative, I text them rarely, and I had to cancel my birthdayparty, because It was awkward to only invite three people. I wish I had more people in my friendcircle, but in my mid-twenties, I don't know how to. Going out makes me angry, because you either meet little kids who only care about drinking from friday to sunday, or the "grown up" 20-30 y/o who think they are the coolest kids because daddy just bought them an appartment, or paid for their law university, and now that they know how to pronounce a 4 sillabel latin word, they rule the world.
I'm a smoker for a year now, or a bit more, and I really want to stop. But I can't. 5-7 cigaretts into the pack, I think this time I will quit. I have a sore throat, and it's disgusting, but when I reach the last 4, I always think about getting the next pack. The only time in the past 1 or 1.5 years I did not smoke was, when I visited my girlfriend. I didn't even notice I need it.
And a few other things. I feel like I'm running on the spot. No movement in any direction. I don't even feel ups and downs, you know? I feel a constant feeling of... I don't know what it is. As if there was a thunderstorm comming and everyone leaves the streets because the fear of getting wet from the rain, and you stand there enjoying the wind, and the now different airpressure. Kinda like that, if anyone can understand.
I don't talk about it to anyone, because they always tell me I should rather look at my achievements. I am now able to go to university in my country, I have an appartment, a car, I have a stable life, no debts, nothing to worry about when I wake up tomorrow, but I cannot appreciate this all, I feel like the key to do so is missing, and I don't even have a clue what to look for, or where.
I just need someone to kick my ass dr. cox like, since i never had a father figure, so feel free, If you dig deep enough and find hid burried in this thead! haha