(NSFW) Whats a fucked up thing you secretly want to happen?

Little late for the party but here it goes.

I want to move far away and cut all my connections to my family, friends and girlfriend. This is a long story and it starts from 2005'ish when my mom got a pretty bad salmonella infection and she was in hospital for almost two years. During those two years my dad was working his ass off in his one man company and took care of me and my four siblings, while getting no support at all from his nor my moms family, since there was some insane rumours going on (my dad had a girlfriend etc.)

So, our life was pretty screwed up. When my mom finally got home I didn't know her anymore and we had to build our relationship pretty much from scratch. For 10 year old boy it was a hard thing to do, since my mom was still pretty exhausted. But everything got pretty good, and we had a normal life for a while.

Then my parents started to fight. They argued every night after we kids went to bed, and they got so loud we could hear it upstairs. I think it was because my dad was in debt and had to work 65-70 hours a week.

It went on for a while, and then it turned out our home had some bad indoor air issues. There was actinomycete (dunno if that's the right word) and mold everywhere, so we had to move out of there and tear that house down. So we did, and by some miracle my parents got a loan for that and for building a new home for us.

Fast forward two years, we had lived in two rental apartments, my parents were in bad debt and we had new home. 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and a sauna (common where I live). Everything should be good, right? Well, should.

My parents were still fighting all the time, my dad was still working his ass off and we kids got pretty much no attention from none of them. But things are getting better now, 4 years later. My dad works only about 55 hours a week, there is lot less fights going on in the family, but something is missing. I feel like there is no love anymore.

Maybe it's just me. Since I've had to mind my own business for ten years now, it's hard for me to feel any emotions. I have had a girlfriend for six months now and I fear that I can never truly love her. And it scares me. I try my best to show her that I love her, but in reality I don't. And don't get me wrong, I do like her, I really do.

We come from religion where child control and premarital sex are sins, so as soon as we get married it will not take long for her to get pregnant. And I don't want that. I don't want my kids to live in poverty. I don't want them to go through what I had to, since I can't get a well paying job for at least 6 years from now, even if I was full time student, which I can't be if I have to provide food to the table at the same time. And my gf wants us to get married next summer.

TL;DR: Problems with family, gf wants to get married, I don't. Also religion.

First time I have written that long text in English, too bad can't show it to my teacher. I know this is not exactly what OP asked, but it felt like I should tell my story here. Also, sorry for bad grammar <3

/r/AskReddit Thread