I can relate to many of the things you mentioned, including the fears surrounding maintenance. I did keto years ago during a very stressful period of my life and I felt out of control. If I went over my carb limit or cheated or pulled multiple all nighters in a row I often ended up eating tons of sugary/high carb foods the rest of the day because I had already "messed up." I developed unhealthy habits like spitting out sweets or eating thousands of calories worth of peanut butter or almonds in one sitting. When I was 2 lbs away from my goal weight I got discouraged because I still hated my body and I didn't want to stay on a very restrictive diet for several more months to lose an additional 20 lbs. I ended up falling off the wagon and going to multiple fast food restaurants several times per day to taste all the foods I hadn't eaten in months. I gained most of the weight back.

After several months of trying and failing, I was finally able to go back on a ketogenic diet and I have been having success in terms of staying within my calorie limit and avoiding cheating. I feel that things are going well this time around but I'm terrified of maintenance and losing control. I'm afraid that if I increase my calories, stop counting calories, or introduce new foods into my diet I won't be able to stop eating and I'll gain all the weight back. I only buy prepackaged foods already separated in individual portions. I avoid events that involve food. I live alone and eat most of my own meals alone but I'm really anxious about moving back in with my family and working in a place where there will be a lot of temptation. I think my relationship with food needs "fixing" but I'm not sure what I should do.

I hope that you are able to find something that helps, whether it is intuitive eating or something else. I can't really offer advice, but I know that some dietitians work on intuitive eating with their clients, but I'm not sure if that is feasible/affordable.