Hey there, thanks for taking the time to reply. I know what you mean about having to picture it. A few years ago I suffered with POCD (pedophile OCD) and had to think about me having sex with kids (which was fucking awful let me tell you, I couldn't even watch The Jungle Book without going into a panic attack). Anyways, the trigger for the POCD was because I listened to a podcast where a kid my age was talking about how he's a pedophile and wishes he wasn't and has never actually touched a kid and I felt so guilty feeling sorry for the kid that it was triggered. I learned to deal with that by realizing that just because in our society it isn't allowed, ethics and morals are just made up and nobody can choose how they're born. You can't choose to be a pedophile, but you can choose to be a molester. So feel sorry for the pedophiles and save all the hatred for the actual molesters in the world. The reason I'm telling you all this is to give you advice that might help you eliminate the compulsion. As soon as you realize what you're thinking actually isn't bad/taboo, it's power goes away. In your case I would think of the Freudian concept of Thanatos and Eros. They're both human instincts inside of us, Eros is the drive to live and Thanatos is the drive to die. Everything is the world is balanced and even though few people admit it, we all have suicidal thoughts sometimes and it's completely normal and okay (I'm only speaking on casual thoughts not actions). I've had reoccurring suicidal thoughts my whole life even when I was extremely depressed and the truth is that a lot of people don't know, a good majority of people who have suicidal thoughts don't do the action. Just the thought can be relieving enough to feel like no matter what you can escape. Now if you're not actually having any of these thoughts and I'm ranting I hope someone else can benefit from this reply :)