[Offer] I have a Papa Johns promo code for one free pizza! No sob stories I want some creativity!

That's unfortunate! I recently wrote a satire tutorial in a private sub-reddit. Hope you enjoy the read.

Let's face it: we all need money. And sadly, not all of us are attractive women who can sell themselves for money. So what can the rest of us do? Our morals and looks (and perhaps gender) prevent us from making it the one way, and we don't have enough guns or skills to be a pimp. There's only one more industry that is always hiring, doesn't require any kind of advanced degree, and is readily available in every metropolitan market. That's right, we're going to sell some dope.

Let me get a few things out of the way, first. We will no longer refer to it as "drug dealing." This implies a horrible, horrible connotation of drugs being something to be dealt. What do we deal: cards and crack. So you can see the man trying to equate drug use and selling to gambling, perhaps the most offensive means of acquiring money.

It takes no hard work, and its not that fun when you lose. Instead, drugs should be equated to free-trade capitalism, in which an ambitious salesperson offers the benefits of his or her product, and hopes the customer agrees that said products value outweighs its cost. This is how business is run worldwide! So from now on, we will refer to this as "drug sales" or "drug distribution." We will refer to the so-called dealers as salespeople.

Anyone can be a salesperson, male or female, young or old. But it is important to target the right audience, and it is even more important to move about crowds in which you are a member. It is best to use common sense here: sell to the people who you are normally seen around. You wouldn't see George Bush anywhere near black people, so why would you assume that he'd stop by just for a 30 second chat? That looks suspicious, and its a good way to get caught by the man!

Right down to business. You will need the following items before even attempting the meteoric rise of a drug salesperson in the seedy underworld.

  • Gun
  • Supplier (person you buy wholesale from)
  • Drug House
  • Transportation
  • Startup funds, depending on what drug you want to sell (weed is the cheapest, huffing kittens the most expensive)

You may be fuckin squeamish about killing, or even shooting at someone. That is normal. That is what the crack whore is for. For a hit, you can practice threatening him or her, smack him or her around a bit, or even pistol whip him or her. This invaluable training will ensure you do not hesitate on the street. Drug users, especially cocaine users, have developed an extraordinary sense of smell which allows them to smell police, fear, and other drug salespeople. Until you have this sense, you must assume that you reek of cowardice and noobishness. Try flaring your nostrils and keeping your shit. Cokeheads do this, and that's what gives them their edge. The gun is also handy, however, because it will instantly make you feel braver, and stronger. And thanks to the resurgence of drug use, the materials needed to get going are more available than they were. This is really the perfect time to get into a career in sales.

Don't be confused: Trap Houses and Drug Houses are the same thing. Two schools of thought on this one: either move to the worst neighborhood that you can possibly find, because your competition will be too scared to come after you, or move to a really nice neighborhood, where the police are all being paid off already by some rich mogul, so you know they're corrupt. Its up to you, but if you plan on cooking meth, I'd go with the cheaper house. Meth labs explode all the time, and nothing is more embarrassing than blowing up your kitchen during the annual block party.

People often say its best to be inconspicuous, but this just isn't true. Police are smarter than ever now, and its likely that they will pass over the nice cars, because they assume that no salesperson is dumb enough to have such a flashy ride. Nowadays, they'll just assume you're a rap star or athlete they haven't heard if you're a guy, and a really good escort if you're a woman. Neither is on their short list of people to harass, believe me.

The SUV will also give you ample space in which to store your drugs and drug accessories, and for some reason, no one gives citations for SUVs with tinted windows. Also, and this is vital, the windows are so high off the ground, people can't look in and see the drugs on your backseat. For people who are 'down', the nice ride will tell them, "Hey, this person is a successful drug salesperson." This is like free advertising for you! Finally, big SUVs look cool, and they seem to proclaim, "Screw rising oil prices, I'm *ing rich, **!" ...........

First and foremost, its untaxed. That's right, you are not required to pay taxes on your drug money, unless you live in the United States. (It is only taxable there if the feds find out, and they aren't going to find out are they?) This saves you upwards of 40% of your income! Also, despite allegations to the contrary, drug money is no more dirty than regular money. Unless it has blood stains, its just fine. Do not launder your money, because that is just a metaphor. Laundering money will make the ink run, thus washing it with whites is strongly discouraged.

/r/Random_Acts_Of_Pizza Thread