I got hurt about 8 years ago and suffered what can only be called catastrophic damage to my right knee. I destroyed 3 ligaments and the nerve that controls the upward movement of my right foot. I have to wear what's called an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthosis) in my sneaker which basically uses tension on my calf to lift my foot for me if I push down, it's the only way I can still drive.

Anyway, since the injury I've been in immense pain both physically and mentally. I'm married with a teenage daughter and can no longer do so many of the things I did before due to movement restrictions, pain and more recently crippling anxiety. I gained over 80 pounds due to lack of activity and while I was able to keep my job for a while after I got hurt, eventually I was laid off due to not being able to perform all of my job duties. I couldn't find another job since my field required being on your feet most of the day and some heavy lifting, etc. I eventually had to apply for disability, which was approved and where I'm at today. Losing my job was like losing a big part of my identity, I was proud of what I did for a living and was damn good at it too.

I've been up and down since getting hurt but the thing that sticks with me most is how much I feel I have failed my family. Disability is very low income, so we suffer financially on a constant basis, sometimes to the point of not being able to afford food or gas. On top of that, I can't help my wife around the house like I used to, there's just too much pain and mobility problems so it all gets heaped onto her while she still works 40 hours a week. I feel less then human...useless...and often wonder why she stays with me. I mean I guess I know why, but....

I'm sorry this is so long...it all sort of just spilled out. I don't talk about this with many people, I don't even know why I'm putting so much here. I guess I need a lift. I know our harshest judge will always be ourselves but....I hate myself.