This movie was just...wow.

When they announced it, I was optimistic. A lot of my favorite Venom arcs involve him as the anti-hero with little to no Spider-Man involvement. I believed that it could be done. But after seeing that first trailer, I was worried. Worried, but still optimistic.

But wow. They missed the mark so much with this one. Not just as a Venom film, but as a film in general. There are so many problems with this movie, I don’t know where to begin. Continuity errors, terrible dialogue, generic “evil for the sake of being evil” villain, working in a sterile, generic looking evil lab.

For starters, don’t spend some 20 minutes of your movie with that “generic bad guy researching weapons” shit, only to come to the conclusion that each symbiote can only bond with one host...only to have each symbiote successfully bond with multiple hosts over the course of the movie. That’s just terrible writing. Know your characters, know the rules in your universe. Then everything else will fall in place. Don’t keep telling and showing us that it’s not easy for the symbiote to bond to a host, only to have Michelle Williams bond with it as if it’s nothing.

Speaking of which, did Venom heal Eddie’s freaking clothes? When he gets banged up by the motorcycle crash, his pants and sweatshirt are shredded. Then he becomes Venom, goes into the water, and when he comes out, his clothes are magically fixed all of a sudden. Then some 10 minutes later, they’re torn again.

Also, when he goes with Jenny Slate into Star, it’s nighttime. Probably no later than...10? 11? When he comes out of the lab, maybe an hour later at the most, it’s early morning, possibly the afternoon? What? Or when she confronts him in the grocery store, the two of them are carrying groceries and she has a full basket. Then the two of them run out of the store with none of this to be seen again.

Also, Woody Harrelson looked terrible in that wig. And that “carnage” delivery was so painfully stupid and on the nose and just made me so mad. Why couldn’t you have gotten anyone else. Michael C. Hall maybe? Just...why...?

ALSO! Are you seriously telling me it took Carnage SIX MONTHS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BOARD A PLANE? It took him that long to get to San Francisco? Are you freaking serious?

Everything was just so bad. So generic. I didn’t believe Eddie and Michelle Williams’ relationship at all. And she breaks up with him when they’re about to get married and then six months later she’s moved in with another guy? Again, what? Weren’t they madly in love with each other? And then we’re supposed to be excited about them maybe fixing things and kissing each other in that last scene in the porch (which honestly had the worst, most clunky, unnatural dialogue and rhythm in a movie from this year)...even though she’s still with her boyfriend or whatever? What?!

I just don’t even know with this movie. There were so many things that I kept getting infuriated by, and I really was expecting to like it and went in with very managed expectations after seeing the negative reviews. But wow. I mean, the Venom stuff was cool I guess, but everything around it was atrocious.

This movie summed itself up best. It’s “like a turd...blowing in the wind.”