[OFFIZIELLE ANKÜNDIGUNG] Dies ist nun ein deutschsprachiger Unterlases. Bitte nur noch deutsch pfostieren.

I moved to the United States when I was 4 years old. I was never legally an American citizen so when I turned 16, I was not able to own a car. I managed to get accepted in University as an international student where, after about 8 years of education, I was able to earn a Doctorate in Atheism and started dating a super cute gamer girl that I met in my Intro to Philosophy class. We went together for 4 years while I was working toward my PhD. It was after graduation when truly felt what it was to be an American. After all, isn't that what living in the Land of the Free is all about? Getting a STEM education to earn lots of money and marrying a cute white girl to support with that salary? Even after all this, living in America for this long and getting a superior STEM education, I applied for American citizenship about 2 years ago but, unfortunately I was rejected. This saddened me, but I had something else amazing going for me. The night after my graduation, I took my beautiful, white, atheist, gamer girlfriend to the Hayden Planetarium where we watched a laser show featuring Queen's greatest hits. We even got to meet Neil DeGrasse Tyson himself! In the middle of Bohemia Raphsody I popped the question. She said yes and immediately went down on me for 45 minutes right until the end We Are The Champions. We got married that summer and even had my Professor of Science from University officiate the marriage with Science Readings from Carl Sagan's Cosmos. After the wedding, we had our reception at the local dive bar where we shared microbrews and had projector run the entire season of Firefly. It was beautiful. The next day, I immediately I went to the Ferrari dealership with my 6 figure Atheism salary, and slammed down $260,000 cash on the salesman's desk. "I'll take that one" - I pointed to the, then brand new, 458 Spider in classic rosso corsa. "Right away sir!" he said as him and 3 of his assistance rushed to get the paper work for me. One wheeled in a lazy boy and handed me a glass of scotch while I waited. After, I went down to the DMV to register that shit. The clerk rushed me to the front of the line so that I didn't have to wait. They saw that I clearly had money so they knew I would tip well (I didn't. I don't believe in tipping on principle). After registering my new sports car, I drove to Staples, bought a computer, called up Comcast and got some fiber-op internet, downloaded Chrome (lol fuck IE), went to Reddit.com and registered an account just to say this.

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