Okay, so a minute after reading this I made an account here. Reading this to myself, I see it all like it's in my journal. I'm certain many of these paragraphs exist in one of them. I got into a yelling contest with my brother who told me my 1 day a week job (for now as gardening in Winter isn't much needed) isn't good enough. At almost 22, I've just now got an actual paying job and it is, unfortunately for me, only 1 day every week until warmer weather. I was the only person in this family to graduate from high school or get only volunteer jobs that never paid, because I was a waste of life and that was all I could do. But I am a loser, worthless because I do not work full time every single day at customer service and have tons of "friends" like my brother. Never mind he only has a good life and has adventures because he did drugs and drank with everyone in town around his own age.
When I was younger, I was too busy trying to be normal. My sensitivities all came out to my friends, so I lost them. Too many times a day I got screamed at for being too sexual, too "depressed" or too immature. Delusional and a thief. But I had always been set up by my siblings because, as the youngest, I'm easy pickings. My father ignored it all on the worst days. Tried to defend me just a bit, but never doing anything to really help. In this, getting beat down made my will to do anything disappear. I even got bored of cutting. I began to hate all males with the exception of my long time partner.
I don't have my own car or the money for a driver's license. That ALSO makes me a loser to everyone. At 16, EVERYONE has their own driver's license and vehicle. I went to college, 5 days late. I was rushed into it and in that stress, developed problems with my temporomandibular joints and Eustachian tubes. But I was too late for the teachers to help me catch up anyway, so I had to drop out. That was 1 year ago. The only person in my family to even attempt it, and failed. But I do not have a full time customer service job, and I have never lived for more than a month in another state, or on my own, so I am "worthless" a waste of life.
Always I've asked my father why he couldn't stop having kids after my brother, as I seem to be the only reject and carry the burden of having to "make this family's name good, or else." The ONLY thing everyone holds viciously over my head is that they have a full time job and I never even graduated from a college. Boo-hoo to them. My only will in life is to have a self-sustainable one as soon as I can. Far away from those humans.
I wish you luck in life. You are a good person.