I initially told myself I wasn’t gonna air the drama from my tiny little group chat of 5 people, but fuck it. I feel like being a bitter autistic bitch today.
There are 4 of us, all with kids the same age. One parent has ALWAYS been complaining about her developmentally delayed/autistic kid. It was like non-stop about how tragic and awful and frustrating it was. Like just constant complaints about what their kid won’t do, and also freaking out about normal toddler shit. (Like toddler getting mad when you put socks on him because not only is he ND, he is a toddler. They were like “HOW DO I IMPRESS ON HIM THAT HE MUST WEAR SOCKS?” And I was like, you don’t. You either find ones that are more sensory friendly (no seams, etc) or harder to remove.)
He was recently officially diagnosed with autism. Level 2 under the current classification. Not 24 hours after the official diagnosis, this person announces in the group chat “I’m putting ____ in a full day ABA program. I’ve done my research and I know it’s controversial but I think they’ll help get rid of some behaviors and make him more ready for preschool or kindergarten.”
I am an autistic/ADHD parent of a neurospicy kid - final diagnosis unknown, but I suspect he’s also autistic. His current listed diagnoses are sensory processing disorder and a mild-moderate language delay. I think it’s possible he’s ADHD/SPD and it’s too early to tell, but he’s on a waitlist for an autism assessment, and the ship of him being plausibly completely neurotypical has sailed. So like. I’ve got some background knowledge plus a framework of just having been involved in disability rights stuff for some time.
And like. I’m not an extremist about it, so I was like “Listen, I know if he’s having super violent meltdowns obviously you want that to be addressed. But just so you know, your public school district has a legal obligation to accommodate him under the ADA. They cannot exclude him for stimming or having limited speech or a different social approach or anything like that. I’d be cautious about a school that tells you that you need their ABA program to have him at the local kindergarten. Because that’s not true.”
This parent starts getting REAL defensive and says “well as his parent I don’t think he’s ready for school.” (I thought, but did not say, “No shit Sherlock. He’s 2. Of course he isn’t ready for kindergarten.”) Their reasoning? Kid moved up rooms in daycare and “is regressing” (details unspecified) and “not coping well” (also unspecified, which makes me think it was NOT a safety hazard).
I was like, okay, I know ND kids have challenges beyond what’s average but how much of this is plausibly in the range of “toddlers gonna toddler?” Because even the most NT kids have meltdowns or tantrums, have no impulse control, and can’t regulate their emotions well at 2.
Cue not answering a single actual question or responding to what I said (in a way I thought was pretty kind and sensitive, and at least one other person in the chat thought I was totally right!) But pouting about “I’m just trying to do the right thing for him and everyone makes me feel like I’m not!” Which like hey. I am very sympathetic to because moms are under a microscope a lot and people judge every little thing you do. But I also feel like a lot of that is they’ve internalized the idea that having a kid with any disabilities or differences means they’ve failed as a parent.
So like. I dropped it. I’m not touching the discussion again. It’s not worth my energy and I’m not gonna try to change anyone’s mind. But I’m annoyed. I’m still annoyed. I know these schools often totally lie to and manipulate parents. But the idea of a kid only being “ready” for inclusion in a regular school after they’ve done months or years of full-time ABA and “sufficiently” being able to mask feels very wrong to me. I’m not anti ABA in every circumstance- for example it might be needed for a kid with super extreme meltdowns, especially a BIPOC kid at risk of police brutality, or if it’s the only childcare or therapy option possible. I know there’s nuance. But I feel like this parent legitimately can’t stand having an autistic kid and wants to make him as “normal” as possible, but also just can’t handle normal toddler stuff. It’s sad.
The kicker is I think my kiddo will probably be diagnosed as autistic when we do make our way down the waitlist to get him assessed (but I’m fine with it taking a while - he’s already got all the services he needs with speech and OT in place right now). But I also suspect he’ll likely be identified as “level 1” (what used to be called Asperger’s/HFA). So not that I have to tell anyone, but I suspect this will prompt extra complaining from this person about how much worse off their son is. Especially since I’m actually fairly positive about my kid. Like does he do toddler stuff that’s exhausting sometimes? Absolutely. But he’s a super fun amazing kid and I think he’s magic. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but it isn’t with any kid. I truly am not upset that he’s different or “delayed” in some things.